Meet Isabelle

Isabelle Larson

born April 24, 2018

at the University of Utah Hospital

at 1:35 am

8 lbs

20 inches

3 days before due date

The Story:
   A little preface to the delivery is this- towards the end of pregnancy this baby's movements really started to slow down. This was a little concerning for my doctor at the time and she spoke with me about being induced. I was nervous about the idea of an induction, but after thinking, praying, and talking with Brian about it, we decided it was best. The date was scheduled for Monday April 23.

Monday April 23-I had been feeling light contractions through the night, but not closer than 10 minutes apart. I was told to call the hospital an hour before we were supposed to go in and when I did I was informed that there had been a few emergencies through the night and that they didn't have a room available for me and that I should call back around noon. This was honestly hard to hear-but almost a relief too because by now I was nervous and I didn't feel like my house was "clean enough" to bring a new baby home to. So I spent the morning deep cleaning the floors of my kitchen and family room.

By noon my contractions were still coming every 8-10 minutes but weren't painful. We called the hospital again and was told there still wasn't a room available so Brian and I went to Jersey Mikes' Subs (THE BEST) and watched Lord of the Rings on Netflix (it's a long movie and we needed the distraction ha). I even took a small nap. Finally around 4 pm I was told they had a room available.

The car ride was surreal. It just didn't feel like this was happening for real. My past two births have been much more dramatic and this felt so much more relaxed.

As we walked into the hospital I wanted to tell people around me walking by, "Do you know I'm here because I'm going to have a baby?"

I was checked in around 5 pm and we got ourselves set up in our room.

We kept giving each other goofy looks and strangely awkward giggles. It is just a crazy feeling-the moments before you know life is about to change. Brian kept joking that the baby needed to come either before or after the Jazz played the Thunder (and was grateful he had time to enjoy the whole game before she made her arrival ha).



Things got rolling pretty quickly. Due to the contractions I had been having I was already a 3 (which my last appointment 4 days before I had only been .5). My nurse predicted that had I not been induced that day I probably would have gone the next evening anyway with the consistency and rate I was progressing.

I was put on Pitocin and my dad came and visited with Brian as we waited. My blood pressure kept dropping which resulted in me being lightheaded and given extra fluids, but otherwise things were pretty chill.

At 9 pm I was given an epidural that only took to my right side and it wasn't very strong at all. It was probably the most uncomfortable I have been with an epidural and that is saying something because my epidural with Lydia only took to one side also. I could feel every contraction-they were just muted a little.

Around 10 pm my mom and sister Raquel came to the hospital. It was super nice to have them there and was a great distraction for the wait as well as pushing through each contraction.

Finally at midnight they checked me and I hadn't progressed much. I was really bummed but almost immediately after the nurse left the room, I  started feeling the contractions really hit hard and come closer together.

After another half hour the urge to push was becoming stronger and I told Brian to tell the nurse because I felt like things were about to get hopping.

And just like that I was at a 9.5.

My doctor was paged and soon the room began to fill with people. I was kind of surprised at the fast pace things started to move. 

People were pouring in the room and hustling about getting things all ready. The bed was lowered and lights were turned on and tools were laid out. It felt unreal once again. 

Doctor Ostler asked if Brian was cutting the cord and the OB Resident said, “No the mom is” And I was super hesitant. I wasn’t really sure if I wanted to cut it because first it seemed totally weird and second I didn’t want to ruin my first moments with my baby by interrupting to cut the cord. That just seemed bizarre. But the resident was kind of pushy. She kept saying things like, “oh you’ll love it” And “just do it” and so I was like.. well.. okay?

Then it all started.

It took all of 2 contractions of pushing.. and at 1:35 am, I heard her. Her cry. 

And there she was. In my arms. Flailing her little arms and looking right at me.

I held her for a moment and just cried. 

My beautiful little love is here! Brian came to my side and cried with me. He put her hat on her as the nurses cleaned her up. We both just talked to her as she cried. It felt like heaven and angels were in the room with us and I believe they were. This little beauty was here. 

She has the same furrow her sisters had and those same big eyes. She was smaller than I had expected and had dark dark hair. Her fingers and toes were so so so long and skinny that they made me laugh.  Her head is perfectly round and her hair is so dark and long. I hope it never falls out. (But it probably will). Her ears have this little fold at the top and they are so tiny! She is perfect. So so perfect. 

I kept telling her that over and over as I held her little hand. “I’m your momma” I kept saying, “and I’m so happy you are here.”



I could see the umbilical cord still attached and the resident waiting to give me the scissors. They clamped the cord and handed them to me.

It was not quite the magical experience I think the resident wanted me to have ha. Instead it was kind of gross. It was like a super rubbery thick piece of licorice and I had to cut it in a couple snips.. but I guess I can cross off cutting an umbilical cord off a list somewhere ha.

But then she was “free” and I passed her to Brian to hold her. 

Watching Brian hold her is so special. He is one of those that can’t stop crying when the spirit is strong. And there he was, holding his new precious little girl. One that I think looks just like him. 

He brought her close up to his face and kissed her and then looked at me with tears down his cheeks. “It’s Isabelle!”

All I could mutter out was "We'll see." Because I still wasn't sure and wanted to go through my list of names. 

We passed her to my mom who had tears on her face and kept telling me how special it all was. She held her close and nuzzled her and my heart melted even more. 

And then it was Raquel’s turn who just kept that darling baby right up to her face and also shed some tears. How could we all not? This new little life, this perfect life-fresh from heaven is here in our arms. It does not get any better than this at all. This is eternity.


The nurses were soon hovering around to get her weight and length. 

7 lbs 15.5 oz and 20 inches long. Pretty much 8 lbs and pretty dang perfect.

The after-delivery was much smoother (though still a little crazy) than it had been with Adeline's delivery. My uterus wasn't contracting and I was loosing a lot of blood. But they were prepared. 

They gave me methergine and a few shots of something and kept me on pitocin for an extra 24 hours after delivery. It was all to help my uterus contract so that I wouldn’t bleed as much. But I still lost enough blood for it to be called postpartum hemorrhaging. They had to push on my belly every 45 minutes for the first day to measure the blood and make sure my uterus was contracting.

While moving rooms, Brian took the birth certificate papers and started to fill them out. I panicked because I hadn’t tried all the names on her yet. We had kind of narrowed it down to Samantha or Isabelle because those are what she looked the most like to the both of us. I could tell Brian was still set on Isabelle but for some reason I just couldn’t say yes 100% on it. 

The next thing I knew though, Brian was informing me that the birth certificate was complete and he had turned it in.

I was shocked! “Wait! What name did you put down?” and he just matter-of-factly said “Isabelle”

I wanted to react, but with how firm he was being on this I thought about how maybe the reason I couldn’t decide was because this baby was supposed to be named by her daddy. Brian was so sure that he had handed in the birth certificate. I didn’t get to look over it or anything! That was a little crazy, but at the same time, I knew that I trusted him. And I really do love the name Isabelle. 

And so.. my lovely baby girl became Isabelle Larson.

Lydia and Adeline came to the hospital the next morning to meet Isabelle.

Adeline just wanted to point out all the baby's body parts and Lydia wanted to hold her for maybe 30 seconds and was more concerned about why I was hooked up to so much stuff and couldn't move well.

It was a moment of excitement to be together but also chaos and a glimpse of what life with these three girls could be once we were home. But I loved it. Truly.

I thought my heart couldn’t be any more full, but I was wrong.

Here we were, all together as a family of 5. The girls climbed on the bed next to me and we all held and looked at the little miracle in my arms. 

Welcome to our home and heart little Isabelle. You are so loved.

The Name Dilemma

Can we talk names? Not what to name this baby.. but the whole concept of naming your child.

It is the second question I get asked after "How are you feeling?"

I wait a moment and then there it is, "So what name have you picked?"

When you tell people that you don't know what you are naming your child yet they don't believe you "Oh so you are keeping it a secret?" And when I say no, they say "Well you must have some ideas! What are they?"

People assume that you must have ideas because they themselves do.. and if they don't have ideas, they have opinions. I still remember plenty of eye-rolls and negative-sounding "Oh's?" when telling possible lists of names for my other kids.

I remember flying alone with Lydia from Chicago to Utah to visit family when she was 7 months old. I had several different people ask me what her name was during my flight or time in the airport. When I would respond "Lydia" I started noticing how people's reactions were genuinely pleasantly surprised. Every one of them mentioned how much they loved the name-and it felt sincere. I've been there when people have said, "Oh that's a nice name" or "Hmmm. How do you spell that?" or "say that again?" or "I've never heard that before..." to someone else's child when the parents have spoken their name.. all said nicely, but missing the sincerity.

Now.. not that I want to base my entire decision off what other people think or their reactions-just that I liked the feeling of other people liking my child's name too.

When naming your baby it is hard not to think of every personal reference from our lives.. the character from that movie.. the elementary friend who threw a book at your head, the coworker with the weird pen-clicking problem..

And the truth is that all of those people eventually melt away once there is a baby you love attached to that name.

Giving your child a name also means you get to try and figure out how other kids may twist them into mean nicknames. And even then, if your child makes it through school nickname-free, maybe you just so happened to pick the "most popular name of the year" and so your child's name is no longer "Ashley" but a morphing of the first name and last initial.. "Ashley K" because there are 7 of them (Ashley was a popular name of my generation).

This picture is from Baby Larson #1 Pregnancy Journal

When naming Lydia, Brian and I took a few names to the hospital but both had internally decided Lydia was what we liked. When she was born, Brian said, "Look! It's our Lydia!" and at that moment I couldn't think of any other name we had talked about to "try" and so she became Lydia.

With Adeline it was 100% different. Brian thought it would go the same as Lydia's had but it didn't. When Brian brought her to me after she was cleaned up he said, "It's little Isabelle" and I immediately knew that Isabelle was not her name. She didn't look like Isabelle. So she became Adeline.

Now the pressure is much different this time around and you think it would be easier since we have done it twice before.

One of William Shakespeare's famous quotes from Romeo and Juliet that has run through my mind a few times is, "“What's in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet.”

Very often the first information we learn about a person is their name. And that first information can be so important to a good impression.

But now.. I have a 3-year-old that loves to ask people what their name is and then tell them hers back, "My name is Lydia Larson" she'll say. I signed her up for preschool in the Fall and I think that was when it really hit me just how important her name is. Not only do I need to love it.. so does she! This is the name that will learn to clearly write, the name she'll tell every new friend she ever makes. It will be cheered at dance recitals and soccer games, and scolded on late curfew nights. It is the name that will go on resumes and will be so much apart of her identity.

With all of these thoughts (and probably a million more that I could write down) I am left feeling a bit stumped.. and I'm second guessing every name that runs through my head. We are in the single digit week countdown now. That is almost 8 weeks left to compile a list..

I guess I'll continue to just look at these two beauties until I can figure a name for my next beauty. I'll just enjoy their blooming personalities with Adeline's curly hair and BIG brown eyes and new found love of balls (which we don't have because Lydia never played with balls) mixed with Lydia's straight straight straight blonde hair and blue eyes and love for dresses, purses and backpacks (she has all of the above in this picture).

Welcome 2018

As 2017 comes to a close, I can't help but have Albus Dumbledore's words ringing in my head, "Another year gone!...What a year it has been! Hopefully your heads are all a little fuller than they were.."

Our heads but more importantly our hearts are much much "fuller" than they were a year ago. We have seen and felt the tender mercies of the Lord in our lives pushing us along and we have witnesses miracles as well as enjoyed the growth and learning our family has made.

About this time last year, I found myself staring at our family motto for 2016 which was CHOOSE JOY and I felt it just wasn't time to let that motto go. So we kept it for 2017 and I think it was really important for our little family to have that reminder through all that 2017 had in store for us.

I wanted our goal words printed out where we would see them and be reminded of them each day. So I made them apart of our command center in our kitchen.

And now it is that wonderful time to not only reflect on this last year's growth and goals, but to continue the tradition and pick our new goal words for 2018.

At almost 4 months we chose the word BLOOM for our sweet Adeline.

Looking at this darling girl a year ago to now has me looking at a beautiful toddler. That little baby has bloomed into a busy toddler eager to get her hands (and mouth) on everything.

Adeline's appetite has bloomed into a love of almost every food except peaches and green beans.

She has bloomed in her love for other people, especially babies and kids. She will shake with excitement and lunge out of your arms to be around others.

Her personality has bloomed and I have loved watching her thought process and to see her find things she loves. She is our observant and thoughtful little girl.

Adeline's love for music and dancing has bloomed and will continue to soar. Any beat or rhythm she will immediately pump her hand (not fist, open palm) to.

Adeline's love for books has bloomed but an unexpected blossom is her love for sports and balls. She is so coordinated at kicking and throwing balls and loves to be an active participant.

Adeline's vocabulary is truly blooming and hearing her say "Thank you" and "Pwease" will set a permanent smile on your face.

Adeline's new word for 2018 is GRASP. To grasp is to really seize or hold onto something firmly. It is our hope that she can truly grasp the world around her and how much she is loved. We hope she will grasp her new role as big sister in a few months and also grasp all the new adventures and lessons that will come her way.

At 2 years old Lydia's word was CREATE for 2017. And boy did this girl take that goal and run with it.

Lydia's personality is to create her own flare to life all along her way through it. This year she created joy and imagination in ways I would never have thought of.

Lydia has created many new friendships and loves to play and be the boss.

She has created a love for singing and wearing dresses. This little lady is all girl and creates a bit more sparkle in the world with her love of pink and lipstick and painted nails.

Lydia has created a very deep love for anything pink and that was all she initially asked Santa for, for Christmas was "a pink present."(Easy enough for Santa)

She especially loves to create through art and projects. She loves play dough, painting, coloring with anything that makes a mark, and cutting paper and string. We always run out of the "pink" items first (paint, crayons, makers and play dough dry out from overuse, etc).

Lydia has channeled her energy in creating more learning and knowledge for herself. She loves to write her name with help and find the letters and numbers that surround our billboards, license plates and decorate some of our mountain tops (We live near the V and B on the mountains in Bountiful).

She has helped create many rules and boundaries in our home and family with her endless energy and desire to test the limits.

Lydia has created a love for her Savior and loves to point him out in pictures, statues, books, etc. Recently she has taken to reminding me when I have lost something and then found it again, "Jesus helped mama find that."

This next year Lydia helped chose her word to focus on. Lydia's word for 2018 is CONNECT.

It is our hope that Lydia will connect with others, her sisters, and us as her parents. We would love for Lydia to continue to make a stronger connection with her Father in Heaven and Savior. We hope she will connect in her learning new things and her communication skills.

For 2017 I chose the word BECOME. It felt so fitting and I am happy to think of all the things I have become in the last year but I also recognize that I have so much more to do to really embrace the word become more fully.

I have become a better wife and mother but I realize that I have such a long way to go. It has been a lot of growth on patience and humility in motherhood and I feel extremely inadequate. I feel that I have much room for improvement but I am grateful for the progress I made this last year.

I have become a more loving disciple of Christ. One of my biggest goals was to become less judgemental and more accepting and loving of other people's choices and lives. Honestly this one was a lot harder in the beginning of the year but I am so happy to say that it became less of a focus because it got easier to love and accept as the year went on and I found myself succeeding most of the time.

I became healthier and fit in my body, spirit, and mindset. My scripture study became more meaningful as I included a more meaningful prayer to invite the spirit in to teach me and so did my eating and exercise. My goal went from "trying to fit into my old clothes" to changing my mindset on how I ate and strived for a more effective and enjoyable exercise routine.

Our house has become more of a home as we have sought the spirit to be more present and continued to find joy in house projects.

One of the most important ways I have really stretched and grown with the definition of become which is "began to be" is in my role as a wife. Brian's second year of residency began in July and it seemed to hit with a cannon ball to the stomach as he quickly experienced true burn out. As his wife, I felt helpless, nervous, and so vulnerable. I didn't know how to help him and quickly felt drained and the onset of burn out myself. I truly had to learn what is meant to become a supporter and encourager while grounding my anchor of trust in the Lord as we had just found out we were expecting our third baby. Learning to trust in the Lord and his timing is really becoming.

My new word for 2018 is CHERISH.
I hope that I can cherish and protect all that I hold dear-my family, my testimony, the different roles I hold as mother, wife, daughter, friend, and disciple of Christ. I want to cherish change and cherish the trust that has really "begun to be" in my soul.

Brian's goal word for 2017 was REACH.
In his professional life, it was a pleasure to see the growth that he has attained in his knowledge and understanding of his patients. In October of 2016 he had a resident who was very belittling and hard on him. It brought out this "wife bear" in me that I had never experienced before. I was angry with this resident and how she treated Brian. What was such a pleasure to experience was that Brian worked with this same resident in March of 2017. We expected hell and prepared for it. When the time came though, this resident couldn't stop raving about Brian's progress and knowledge. She loved seeing his growth and working with him that she asked to work with him on another rotation after that. We truly felt Brian was reaching his goals.

And though residency took a turn of exhaustion, Brian's knowledge and skills have really stretched and grown.

Brian has reached out for a more personal growth in having a grateful journal and looking for ways to stretch his gratitude and find joy each day.

Brian has reached out in his fatherhood and love for his girls. The girls are sad to see him leave each day and look and wait and look anxiously out the window for him to return.

Brian's testimony has reached and extended through his trials but also his successes. He too has been learning to rely on the Lord's timing and plan.

For 2018 Brian has chosen the word APPRECIATE.

Brian hopes to be more appreciative and grateful. It's been a rough last few months for him with residency burn out and this word felt fitting for him in this coming new year. Brian wants to learn to appreciate more by look for things to be grateful for each and every day.

At home and elsewhere he also hopes to be more appreciative and understanding with all his girls and emotions that he doesn't always get. Spiritually and physically he hopes to appreciate his working and healthy body as well as show his appreciation for his knowledge of the gospel and our Savior by developing better study and service habits.

As the news of our dear prophet Thomas S Monson's passing last night I feel it so appropriate to quote him here as the new year of 2018 dawns.

"Be of good cheer. The future is as bright as your faith." -President Thomas S. Monson

President Monson had such a great focus on the things that matter most. His legacy and lifetime of service all done with a sweet smile will be greatly missed and I hope emulate them this year.

As I have been putting away Christmas decor, I at first felt like my house looked naked with the original everyday decor back in place. But I couldn't help but feel there was a little bit of symbolism in it all.

By the end of the year we adorn our Christmas decorations and it feels magical and exciting to feel the change of extra things filling the house. After a long year of ups and downs we feel ready for the magic and love that Christmastime brings.

But by the end of the holidays when it is time to clean up it almost feels refreshing and simple to do so. What a great way to start out the new year! Clean, fresh, and simple as we turn over a new page.

And once more in the words of Dumbledore, I'll start 2018 out with this, "Before we begin our banquet [new year], I would like to say a few words. And here they are: Nitwit! Blubber! Oddment! Tweak!"

Round THREE

It was a lovely day in August.. well more like an eery day actually. Pretty sure the world will always remember it as the day of the Eclipse.. but I'll also remember it as the day I found out I was pregnant with my third child.

Now to back up to this moment, I had been bleeding every 1-2 weeks since ending nursing with Adeline back in the end of December of 2016. It had been kind of awful trying to figure out why and switching birth controls and all that fun "womanly stuff."

Brian and I finally decided after an unsuccessful (and painful) round of a new pill that we were going to go off birth control completely and let my body get back to normal for a month or so and then I could try again with a different pill. We felt good about the decision and planned for a new pill in September.

Well.. we waited.. and waited some more for my period to restart. I was going on 4 weeks of no bleeding which was really weird to me after months of having problems. I finally bucked up to take a pregnancy test.

Negative and truthfully I felt relieved because Adeline wasn't even 11 months yet.. but.. I still felt like I could be pregnant and so I wasn't completely convinced. 

2 weeks later. Still no period. Which leads me to August 21, 2017.. the day of the Solar Eclipse.

The girls and I had just gotten back from the park and viewing the Eclipse (which was amazing of course). I was feeding them lunch and went to the bathroom and just "happened" to decide I'd take another pregnancy test just because.

So I did.

And it was positive.

And I stared at it for about 5 minutes straight while faintly hearing Adeline crying for more food in the background. I then searched for another test.. I knew I had one somewhere.. and positive.

I couldn't believe it, and truthfully I didn't know how to react. I just wasn't prepared for this. Brian was on one of his hardest rotations of the year and it didn't end for another week. I was worried about telling him.. that it would stress him out.

Now please, don't get me wrong.. We WANT this baby. We always knew we would have more kids. I just had expected to wait at least another year so it was a really big shock at first. I just hadn't mentally prepared for it.

I could hear the girls asking for "more carrots" in the background and numbly got them food though I am not sure it was the food they were asking for. I then went and sat on my bed.. and cried.

I cried for my reaction. I was frustrated that I was crying at all. I cried for feeling scared. I cried because I knew I was already alone so much and thinking of doing 3 kids on my own overwhelmed me a bit. I cried because I knew so many people I love wait years and years to have children and here I was with a "surprise" and worried about offending those who would take my place in a heartbeat. The guilt crept in that I got to be pregnant when so many struggle. I cried mostly because I was just scared and nervous.

Thoughts like "Adeline isn't even a year yet, will she feel neglected? Have I given her enough time and attention?", "How will we afford a 3rd child right now?", "We'll need a bigger car, another car seat.. and a million other things.. how can we make that happen?", "We'll need to put the girls together in a bunk bed maybe.. but will Adeline be ready to move from her crib that early?" , "How will I grocery shop with 3 kids when it has been a nightmare with 2?" and a million more worries.

And then I read something that really helped me through all my emotions and fears.. It was a reminder of what I already knew but had needed a push to have a bit more faith and trust in my Father in Heaven. I ran across a talk by Dallin H Oaks that he gave in a devotional 15 years ago. His words were spoken as if directed at me now. The talk is called "Timing" and it fit so perfectly with what I needed to hear. 

He said the following, "Because of things over which we have no control, we cannot plan and bring to pass everything we desire in our lives. Many important things will occur in our lives that we have not planned, and not all of them will be welcome. Even our most righteous desires may elude us or come in different ways or at different times than we have sought to plan.

How fundamentally different my life is than I had sought to plan! My professional life has changed. My personal life has changed. But the commitment I made to the Lord—to put Him first in my life and to be ready for whatever He would have me do—has carried me through these changes of eternal importance."

How profound are these words? And they definitely don't just apply to how I was feeling upon being pregnant. It applies to so many decisions we have made in our lives and will make. I had always believed I'd go on a mission and do many educational experiences overseas before marriage.. but then I met Brian and it was a true test of the commitment I had made to the Lord in following what He had in store for my life, and not what I had in store.

Truthfully I am much more grateful that He is in charge. How different my life would be had I stuck to my "own" plans. 

We had planned on a European trip in April which was how I told Brian.. He kept going on about the plans and I simply said, "What if have a baby in April instead?" He said that wouldn't happen and I said, "What if it did?" and he said hesitantly "Wait, are you serious?" and I just nodded.

His reaction was completely unexpected. He laughed. 

And laughed...

And laughed some more.

It went on like that for almost an hour.. and I quickly realized he was in shock. When he finally came back around it was night and day difference and he fell into the same worries and fears I had felt..

And thankfully it gave me the opportunity to share with him what I had read and felt, as well as my testimony of the Lord's timing. The peace the Lord had been sending but that I had blocked out with my fears came flooding in and Brian could feel it too.

Elder Neal A. Maxwell said: “The issue for us is trusting God enough to trust also His timing. If we can truly believe He has our welfare at heart, may we not let His plans unfold as He thinks best?"

Fast forward to now. Here I am, 17 weeks pregnant and feeling better than I did with my last pregnancies. We find out what we are having the first week of December.

Are we excited? Yes. Are we still nervous? Of course. But I truly believe that God knows what we can handle and knows this baby needs to be in our home soon. We truly are excited and I am grateful I can say that word with confidence. We are excited to be a family of 5.

Residency: Chapter One

I get asked a lot about how residency is going. And often I just try to be witty and throw out a casual answer like "It's going" and change the topic. Mostly because a) it's easier than trying to explain and b) I don't really know how it is going because truthfully it is just different than I thought.

This year has been both harder.. and easier than we expected.

Intern year hit off with more than a bang.. it was kind of a catastrophe actually. Within 2 months we moved, bought a home, fixed it up, had a baby, and during all that Brian was thrown into his first rotation in the ICU where he was working 100+ hours a week at times. 

To say we were overwhelmed is an understatement. 

I remember flopping in bed at midnight after just ripping out the flooring in our new home and crying because I hadn't seen my husband in 3 days because he was working 12+ hour nights and our last communication had been to snap at each other from our exhaustion and stress and whip out a few awkward hugs that meant "I'll see you when I see you and maybe we can work this out then" and wondering how in the world I was going to survive THREE whole years of this.

I felt guilty for being upset with him when he was the most stressed, tired, exhausted physically, mentally, spiritually, and emotionally I had ever seen him. I wanted to support him but I too was exhausted, feeling overwhelmed, and about to have a baby.

And at that moment I thought to myself that this was way harder than I had ever imagined.

But then flash forward only a month later where we sat chilling at a park eating Little Caesar's pizza while watching Lydia chase some rolly-polly bugs and we were casually talking about how nice this new geriatrics rotation was and how we were able to see Brian so much more.

It felt like a dream and that the last hellish rotation of ICU was just a really really bad nightmare.

And at that moment I thought to myself that this was easier than I had imagined.

And the year continued like that.. 2 weeks of stress, 6 weeks of not, 4 weeks of exhaustion, 1 week of not, and so forth.

Honestly this post has been a really hard one for me to write. I have probably written 5 different versions of what I want to say and none of them felt right to me.

I sat on the phone, talking to my friend back in Chicago whose husband is just ending his 3rd year of medical school and tried to put into words what this year has been like, and I even struggled spitting the words out to her.

It's not that this year has been that awful or anything, it has just been so different than I ever imagined. Had you asked me how it was going every 3 of the last 12 months, I would have told you different answers at each stage.

I worried about writing this because I didn't want the whole "woe is me" or "pity my hard life" or anything like that. I know a lot of what I experienced this year is normal for many people and not just the wife of a new resident.

Often I find that to explain our experience I talk a lot about the negative aspects which make it sound like I'm complaining and I really really don't want to sound like that or that my life is really negative when it isn't.

I just want to be real for those who experience similar situations.

I wrote a post "To the First Years" and gave advice on what I wish I would have known or heard starting medical school. And this post is kind of similar but aimed at residents and what I would tell myself a year ago if I could.

You see, it is so much easier to look back on a trial or a life experience and see what you should have done or wished you had known at that time. And in a lot of cases, though it was a difficult time, in the end many of us wouldn't give it up because we learned so much about ourselves or our loved ones or we just grew stronger in ways that can only happen once beaten down.

So here is what I learned or how I would prepare myself for the year that was a head of us.

1- Take a Big Breath. Breathe in and breathe out.

I can't tell you how many times we have to verbally say this out loud to each other. But in that breath your senses awaken a bit more. You feel your lungs fill with air, you hear the exhaling air through your nose and you will see and think a bit more clearly.

Most of the time Brian holds me as I cry or worry. He's always been my protector and comforter.

But the night before he started his first day of residency as an intern, I had the chance to reverse those roles. I held him.

He was feeling completely overwhelmed. Besides everything that we had going on in our lives, he felt he was drowning in expectations given by others... his family, his school, me, but most importantly his expectations for himself.

He had waited for this moment his whole life and yet here he was and he didn't feel as smart or strong or ready as he had always thought he would be.

In that moment I found myself telling him to breathe. Just breathe.

When the tough times of pure exhaustion came. We learned to take a breath.

And when the moments of pure joy came. We learned to take a breath. A different breath though, one where we savored it a little bit more and enjoyed the feeling of joy.

When our second daughter was born we took a deep breath in and held it there a little bit longer.

When Brian came home from work one night with tears in his eyes from being beaten down by a resident's harsh (and cruel) words. We took a breath.

When I felt lonely and friendless I learned to breathe.

When Brian surprised the girls and I by coming home hours earlier because it was a slower day, we took a breathe of happiness.

In and out. In and out. Just breathe and live.

2-We are in this together.This is our squad.

One time I was waiting for Brian to come home because I had to run to an eye appointment and he had told me he would be home in time. So I waited and waited and started fretting and worrying that I wouldn't make it on time.

I watched his car drive into the garage and I let the anger start to boil a bit as I waited for him to come inside. It was a good 5 minutes before he came inside and I was frustrated. I even thought to myself I deserved to be frustrated. He knew he was late. He knew I was waiting and yet he stayed in his car for 5 minutes extra instead of running inside and allowing me to run to the appointment.

When he walked inside I let him know I was mad as I left the house.

As I was driving to the the eye exam thinking about all the 'good' things I should have said, I had the thought come to my mind "You are in this together." But I pushed it away because I was just too frustrated.

I started thinking thoughts like, "I am home with the kids all day holding down the fort. I clean all day. Do your laundry. Make you lunches and dinners. Do your shopping so there is soap when you want it and toothpaste always in the drawer. I am lonely and don't have friends or a social life because I don't speak to anyone above a 2 year-old all day. I never do anything for myself and all I asked of you was to be home at this time so I could get my eyes checked."

And the thought came more powerfully that time, "You are in this together."

It wasn't until a few nights later that Brian came home from a long day and the kitchen was not clean when he walked in and I didn't have dinner and the kids were ornery from shorter naps and had gone to bed early. He walked in and did a big sigh and then started angrily doing the dishes. When I came in to welcome him home he said, "I don't have time for this. I go to work for 12 hour plus days and come home to a messy house that I have to clean and I still have to finish my notes and read about tomorrow's patients but I am just so tired. I just can't do it all. I want to be with you and the kids and now they are in bed for the second night in a row and I haven't even seen them in days."

And this time while he was speaking the thought came again that had come so strongly the week before, "You are in this together." And this time I listened and I understood.

It is so easy for Brian and I to point fingers or say that one situation is harder than the others. But that isn't the solution. What we have had to learn is that we are in this together. We shouldn't be against each other but supporting each other, listening and holding each other through it.

I once had a friend tell me that what she and her husband do sometimes before they go to bed is to ask each other what the other is currently struggling with. They talk about it and then the opposite spouse prays with them but for them and their struggle. They are truly willing to bear one another's burdens and get through it together. Since hearing this, Brian and I have tried this as well and it has helped us to stay more connected and on the same team.

When we got married and we said yes for "time and all eternity" we didn't place exceptions on that. We didn't' say "except when you leave the kitchen dirty and drink all the orange juice in the fridge" or "except when you are late coming home and don't put gas in the car." We are together through eternity and that includes everything each person goes through and experiences.

We are learning it is important to stay connected in other ways too. We need date nights, monthly temple trips, talks away from the kids and talks with the kids. Planned and unplanned family night outs and just the candid moments in between.

There is no one else I'd rather be in this with. This little family is my ultimate #squadgoal and I can't let myself miss that.

3- Support, Support, SUPPORT

This can go a few different ways. I'm talking about supporting him. He's tired and working hard and so are you, but this won't last forever. Cheer him on, tell him you are proud and grateful for all he is doing. Uplift him and love him.

But I'm also talking about supporting yourself and kids. You need someone cheering you on too. Having family nearby was our biggest reason we chose to come back to Utah. For us, nothing beats family.

But we also grew used to amazing friend and ward support systems while living as students both at USU and in Chicago. We had expected to find that here but it didn't come as quickly. It has and still is taking more time and effort than it had before, and time is just something that doesn't come smoothly with Brian's schedules.

Regardless, keep searching until you find it and hold on if it is already there. Surround yourself with people who build you up and keep you floating when it would be so easy to sink.

4- Learn to be independent. I had to learn this in medical school and then relearn it here.

With family nearby this usually means that there are more family gatherings to go to-baby blessings, baptisms, monthly family dinners, the usual holidays, and the spontaneous game night, etc. Brian can't go to most of these events and so I often go alone. Thankfully they are family so it really isn't that hard to do.

For me the harder stuff to do is going to activities or neighborhood bonfires or BBQs with just me and the girls. These are things I would want Brian to come with me to and before this medical stuff I wouldn't have gone by myself.. but now I do.

I know too many people who wait. They are the ones who wait for their circumstances to change.

I was this person at one point. I waited for Brian's days off for us to go do things. And I waited some more. And finally time was just slipping through my fingers and I realized that while waiting I was not living.

We still have to live the life around us. I can't stay shut in to my house waiting for Brian's day off so we can do something. Nope. You learn to get out with you and the kids without him.

Being independent also means wearing the pants on the "adulting" things that Brian usually does. For me, it meant I do the bills or mow the lawn or get projects done around the house and don't wait for him to have the time. I make the phone calls to schedule plumbers or the internet (which I hate doing). I call the insurance company to go over benefits, etc. I'm not saying I do these things all the time. I'm saying that I don't depend on him to do it if it needs to be done.

5- God is good

Brian's Sundays in medical school were very free. He never had school on Sundays and rarely if ever had rotation or clinic needs that took over. We made a family decision that he would never study on Sundays and that they would be days for family, church, and God.

We have not been able to keep that decision alive in residency. Brian works most Sundays and so we have had to readjust. We make time for our priorities. When someone says that they "didn't have time" to do something, most of the time what they are saying is that they "didn't make it a priority". Of course there are exceptions, but most of the time that is exactly what it is.

Prioritizing family time is important, prioritizing God is even more. While he may not be able to physically go to church all the time, there are still many other ways he can make time for God. You need to do what personally works for you and your situation but you need to make sure it is something you make happen.

Some of the things that works for Brian are these:
-Daily Scripture study as a couple, a separate one with the kids, and family prayer
-Listening to scriptures and conference talks to and from work
-Reading the Ensign on downtime at work
-Family home evening on his days off
-Monthly temple trip (or in our case it was every 5 weeks)

It was October, General Conference weekend.. and Brian had worked the night shift and came crashing down the stairs on Saturday morning where the girls and I were watching conference. He sat down just as Elder J. Devn Cornish spoke on "Am I Good Enough? Will I make it?" and it was NOT a coincidence that Brian came in at that time.

Brian was feeling beat due to a tough rotation and a resident who was very negative. He needed someone to believe in him when he didn't quite believe in himself just as Elder Cornish had experienced. For Brian to come in at that moment and hear a man speaking of similar experiences of residency, spoke to Brian and told him that God was aware of him and his situation.

We need never do hard things alone because we have the best cheerleader and coach one could ever have. Make God a priority. God is good and he is on our team.

6- Don't forget to Live.

Brian has truly handled residency like a champ. But he is human and so I did see a side of him that at first had me wondering who the heck he was and where my husband had gone.

But he'll come back. And he has.

This isn't Groundhog Day where you are stuck in the same day forever. Meaning that you won't be this poor, this lonely, this busy, this crazy or a new intern family forever.

It also means that you won't have a 2 year old and 9 month old or living in a fixer upper or driving that blue Honda CRV forever either. When residency is over you will have an almost 5 and 3 year old, possibly a new car and less to fix on the house and who knows what else will change...

Don't think of life as "some day it will get easier and better and we can finally live" because it is not true. These are some of the best years of our lives. Don't forget to live.

Fnd the joy in the stage and focus on it so that you can look back with fond memories and be grateful you overcame the challenges and trials that will make you stronger if you allow them to. You have the choice. Choose to live and love it.

So there you have it. At least my view of this last Intern year. We're doing it just like you, and your grocer, and the Coldstone ice cream scooper, and everyone else.

And now time to reminisce about the awesome time we had last week in a beach house in California celebrating the end of Intern year... while Brian is currently finishing up his his first 30 hour shift in the ICU as a second year resident.
Bring on PGY-2. We are ready for you!

The SECOND Second 9 Months

As I sat down to write this I found myself rereading my blog post from when Lydia turned 9 months and the things I had learned in those first months of motherhood.

When Lydia turned 9 months old, I wrote a post about 9 things I had learned since she was born. They were heart-felt and resonated deep within me as a new mom. Then life went on and I continued to learn new life lessons with my ever growing child and family and in some ways I forgot and pushed away what had been so important to me those first 9 months of motherhood.

I sat down to write about my second 9 months with my second baby and found myself rereading that first post "9 months in and 9 months out" and I wish I would have reflected sooner. I needed to hear it all again and again.. and it has got me thinking about what I've learned (and relearned) this second time around.

1- I have learned to take off the I-DO-EVERYTHING-AND-ASK-FOR-NOTHING badge and realize that sometimes I need to do a little bit for myself to keep the peace in the house. 

A mother is a giver. She gives of her body, her time, her heart, her sleep and energy, and some give up careers to be a mother. There are times when I sneak into the other room to eat a Popsicle because I don't want to share with my kids or I slide the iPad with Super Why playing to my toddler because the baby is still sleeping and I want to catch a few more minutes of shut-eye myself while only one is awake.

But most of the time I can't do things for myself immediately. If we are all hungry, the kids get fed first. Most of the time the girls walk around dressed and clean while I stay in yoga pants that I've been wearing for 4 days straight and a pony tail and Sunday's make-up still on my face.. and it's Wednesday. 

And while I wanted to throw a pity party for myself at times, I had to learn to be an advocate for myself and not feel guilty about going to the gym and having my kids in the daycare for an hour. Or the fact that I turned on the tv so I could get that shower in before naptime so that I could also take a nap with the girls. 

If I take care of myself too, I am a happier and nicer mom.

It's okay to ask for time to take care of you.

2- Change and adaption is the new normal. Each time I thought I had something down or I thought because I had done this 'baby thing' before that I knew what I was doing.. I was proven wrong.

I still felt much much more confident this time around, but there were things about this baby that was different just because these kids are different people. Adeline didn't thrive on routine the way Lydia did and she is pickier with her milk feedings and prefers solid foods. Small things that have just thrown little holes and changes in my normal. 

And I've learned (and continue to learn) to adapt.. and roll with it the best I can.

3- I am learning more and more that I can't control everything. When it is just you.. you have more control about what goes on in your life. And then you get married and you lose some of the control. The more people you add, the less control you hold. 

When it was just me and Lydia, I had much more control over what was going on each day.. I thrived on routine and my baby followed suit because it was something I could control most of the time. My perfectionist personality showed through with a lot of things. I was in charge of bedtimes and naptimes and feeding and play. I knew my baby and our day like clockwork and it was easier to plan things.

In my second, second 9 months, I have learned I can't control each day and all that happens. That means that sometimes play dates get cancelled because the whole house of Larson's need a nap, or that the kitchen that was sparkly clean before the kids woke up is now in shambles and they've only been awake for 5 minutes. I can't control all that because that is life with two kids.

I can't control that we got all ready for church and drove through the snow only to leave during the first hour because the baby had a fever that I didn't notice before. I can't control that.

What I can control, is my response to it.

And that is everything. So maybe this just goes with learning to adapt with the change and responding the best I can. 

4- I can do hard things. That has been my motto this year. I have been out of my comfort zone in different ways, especially as we have tried to fix up this house while having a new baby and new job. I remind myself when something I need to do overwhelms me that I can do hard things. I can do it. 

When I wanted to paint the kitchen cupboards and that moment hit when things have to get worse before they get better and you wonder what the heck you just did to yourself (Add on the mom guilt of having your kids watch more tv to keep them out of the kitchen and also having a tired husband who wants to be supportive but doesn't love all your DIY projects and lets you know it).. I told myself I can do hard things and pushed through it.

I can do hard things when we stayed up late watching The Last Decent with your husband and you haven't watched a movie together forever so you keep watching even when you know you need to sleep. Then you end up dreaming about it when you do go to sleep and toss and turn. Then the baby is up because her teething gums hurt and your toddler has a bad dream about a boat (at least I think she was telling me that?) and you check your fitbit to find out you only slept for 2 hours the whole night and now you need to go to church but you can't even keep your eyes open.. etc.. I can do hard things.

5- Parenting is different for everyone and... each kid requires different parenting. 

I have been that judgmental person of the parent in the Walmart.. and the one at the park and everywhere in between. And then I became a parent and realized how hard and unique it is. I remember coming home from the hospital with my first thinking "People are just letting me come home with a human being that I am in charge of and they trust me to take care of it?" It's a huge responsibility.. and it is HARD!

My parenting is different than that of my sister's parenting.. and it is different than my mom's. My parenting is even different than my husbands and it most certainly is different for each of my children. And I suspect it will only get more different with each child as well. 

The key to parenting is that you do your best. AND you don't judge.

6- Don't be afraid to ask for help. I could cry as I write about this one because in the past 9 months I have had to ask for help more than I secretly want to admit. 

Most Sundays I go to church by myself because Brian has to work. While I realize so many people do this all the time, it has been new for me. And while some Sundays are smoother than others, it is so much better when I ask for help. 

On Mother's Day this year, Brian was working and I spent the morning cleaning up splattered urine and spit up. I got the kids in the car to realize I had left the lights on and the car was dead. We were already late for church, but I got the kids in the stroller and we walked.

I arrived hot and sweaty and we missed the sacrament but at least we were there. The family we normally sit by (and who are my church angels) weren't there that day so we looked for any open seat. The only seats available without disrupting more were on the back row with the aisle in front. We squished in and pretty much immediately the circus started.

Addie spit up and Lydia was throwing a fit as well as the goldfish crackers all over. I found myself going back and forth between the two to entertain them and get them to be quiet.

I was feel flushed and stressed (and still sweaty from walking) and finally the couple next to me took Addie so I could clean myself up from spit up and try to calm my toddler down all while faintly hearing a talk about how wonderful mother's are and their patience and realizing I was quickly losing mine. The sweet lady on my other side leaned over to me and said, "You are doing great."

They were just the words I needed to hear but they also got the waterworks going and I quickly grabbed my ornery Lydia and ran out of the chapel to find an empty classroom to cry in.. which only made Lydia freak out more ("Mommy cry?! Why Mommy sad?") in which she did a loud sympathetic cry for me. I wiped my tears quickly, calmed her down, took a huge breath and returned to sacrament meeting.

The rest of church I had people helping me right and left. And I told myself to let them help. I can't always be the helper and I need to learn to let others serve and help me. I needed it that day and many days since.

7- Write things down. You think you will always remember. But you don't.  While pictures are a great way of journaling these days, words can still go farther in our memories. 

Our awesome phones have these cool things called "apps" and you can find some sweet note taking and journalling apps. What I do is tell myself I can't get on Instagram or Pinterest or something until I have written in my note app about our day. And I am always so happy that I do because you just forget the day to day things. And sometimes what felt huge then isn't and what felt too small to mention turns out to be so special.

It's moments like what is pictured below. I think I would have only remembered that we had lunch with Brian while he was working a long shift. But thankfully I wrote down how excited both girls were when they saw him and how even my heart jumped. I also wrote about how Lydia insisted on wearing her little Doc McStuffin's backpack when she has no idea who the character is, she just likes being like daddy.

Write things down.

8- Nurture your husband as well as your kids. He needs some love and attention too. Teaching my kids that daddy and mommy's relationship comes first is hard and I am not the best teacher in this subject while these kids are so little. But it is something I want to learn more and get better at as they get older and can understand. 

We are striving to make date night more of a priority and that paying for a babysitter is indeed worth it.

This was our first date night (that wasn't the temple) in months. And I was giddy with excitement that it was actually happening because it had been so long.

Sometimes I let the kids completely take over my time with him and my energy for him. This and many many more dates and nurturing is needed.

9- It will all turn out okay. 

We recently watched the NBC series of This is Us and we loved it. At first it made us all worried that all our mistakes as parents will come out in our kids as they get older even though we are trying our very best. But then as the show went on things turn out okay just like I know they will in real life.

It's learning to have faith and continue to develop it. Isaiah 8:17 speaks "I will wait upon the Lord..and look for him." This has spoken deeply to me and taught me that when frustrations and trials come I must draw nearer to my Savior and I will be strengthened and healed. By doing so, my faith with increase and I will see the positive outcomes and feel the joy that accompanies them. 

We will be helped in this parenting journey and I am so grateful for that because I only know what I am doing 5% of the time. But in doing my best, I know that things will work out as they should. 

With posts like these I find myself worrying about offending others... to those who struggle to create their families I worry about sounding like I am complaining when I have these two babes in my arms. And to those of my friends who don't want to be a mother because they feel their life will only be diapers and laundry, I worry that my life reflects that worry.

But to both kinds of people I truly hope my life is real. Not perfect or staged or negative. 

I love this life and I write these things down for my own sake as well as in hopes someone will feel more normal and know they aren't alone. 

Satan would have us feel isolated and alone in our struggles, destined to compare ourselves with the lives of others and constantly fall short. It is my small hope that by being vulnerable and honest with what I struggle with and learn that someone else can be uplifted. 

9 months is a long time in so many ways, but I really do feel like this hasn't been long enough. 

I want more. More time to soak in the happiness I feel right now.