Baby #3 Pregnancy Journal

I'm over halfway through and haven't posted Baby Girl #3's pregnancy journal yet. Journaling can feel so tedious at times but I am always grateful I write these thoughts and feelings down.

Both Lydia and Adeline's pregnancy journals can be found here.

These two pictures are pretty accurate of our lives lately. The top shows a tired husband who is just a bit stressed about his future career choices and current rotations. It shows an instant cheeser of a baby who isn't so baby anymore. At 16 months Adeline loves the camera and smiles at anything she thinks is a phone or camera. She is one happy child except for when food is around-she becomes very hangry and greedy.

Lydia is opposite in so many ways. Getting this child to eat is an adventure every day and she will RARELY look at the camera. In fact, when I was taking her New Year goal pictures, the way that I got her to smile was to have her "Little People Minnie and Mickey Mouse" kiss behind the camera. This girl has so much sass and is ALL GIRL and will constantly beg to wear dresses, make up, and have her fingernails painted.

And then there is me.. usually needing a shower and telling myself I'll take one while the girls nap and then laying down for a nap myself. I'm feeling the nesting vibe but tiredness overpowers the motivation and I keep hoping that as time gets closer I'll just do all I want done. In just 14 weeks there will be a new face in these photos and my heart is so full when I think of how different our lives will be. I often don't feel there is enough room in my heart to love another human as much as I love these people but I have said that before and then had my heart grow and overflow with love. I look forward to that happening again.

The SECOND Second 9 Months

As I sat down to write this I found myself rereading my blog post from when Lydia turned 9 months and the things I had learned in those first months of motherhood.

When Lydia turned 9 months old, I wrote a post about 9 things I had learned since she was born. They were heart-felt and resonated deep within me as a new mom. Then life went on and I continued to learn new life lessons with my ever growing child and family and in some ways I forgot and pushed away what had been so important to me those first 9 months of motherhood.

I sat down to write about my second 9 months with my second baby and found myself rereading that first post "9 months in and 9 months out" and I wish I would have reflected sooner. I needed to hear it all again and again.. and it has got me thinking about what I've learned (and relearned) this second time around.

1- I have learned to take off the I-DO-EVERYTHING-AND-ASK-FOR-NOTHING badge and realize that sometimes I need to do a little bit for myself to keep the peace in the house. 

A mother is a giver. She gives of her body, her time, her heart, her sleep and energy, and some give up careers to be a mother. There are times when I sneak into the other room to eat a Popsicle because I don't want to share with my kids or I slide the iPad with Super Why playing to my toddler because the baby is still sleeping and I want to catch a few more minutes of shut-eye myself while only one is awake.

But most of the time I can't do things for myself immediately. If we are all hungry, the kids get fed first. Most of the time the girls walk around dressed and clean while I stay in yoga pants that I've been wearing for 4 days straight and a pony tail and Sunday's make-up still on my face.. and it's Wednesday. 

And while I wanted to throw a pity party for myself at times, I had to learn to be an advocate for myself and not feel guilty about going to the gym and having my kids in the daycare for an hour. Or the fact that I turned on the tv so I could get that shower in before naptime so that I could also take a nap with the girls. 

If I take care of myself too, I am a happier and nicer mom.

It's okay to ask for time to take care of you.

2- Change and adaption is the new normal. Each time I thought I had something down or I thought because I had done this 'baby thing' before that I knew what I was doing.. I was proven wrong.

I still felt much much more confident this time around, but there were things about this baby that was different just because these kids are different people. Adeline didn't thrive on routine the way Lydia did and she is pickier with her milk feedings and prefers solid foods. Small things that have just thrown little holes and changes in my normal. 

And I've learned (and continue to learn) to adapt.. and roll with it the best I can.

3- I am learning more and more that I can't control everything. When it is just you.. you have more control about what goes on in your life. And then you get married and you lose some of the control. The more people you add, the less control you hold. 

When it was just me and Lydia, I had much more control over what was going on each day.. I thrived on routine and my baby followed suit because it was something I could control most of the time. My perfectionist personality showed through with a lot of things. I was in charge of bedtimes and naptimes and feeding and play. I knew my baby and our day like clockwork and it was easier to plan things.

In my second, second 9 months, I have learned I can't control each day and all that happens. That means that sometimes play dates get cancelled because the whole house of Larson's need a nap, or that the kitchen that was sparkly clean before the kids woke up is now in shambles and they've only been awake for 5 minutes. I can't control all that because that is life with two kids.

I can't control that we got all ready for church and drove through the snow only to leave during the first hour because the baby had a fever that I didn't notice before. I can't control that.

What I can control, is my response to it.

And that is everything. So maybe this just goes with learning to adapt with the change and responding the best I can. 

4- I can do hard things. That has been my motto this year. I have been out of my comfort zone in different ways, especially as we have tried to fix up this house while having a new baby and new job. I remind myself when something I need to do overwhelms me that I can do hard things. I can do it. 

When I wanted to paint the kitchen cupboards and that moment hit when things have to get worse before they get better and you wonder what the heck you just did to yourself (Add on the mom guilt of having your kids watch more tv to keep them out of the kitchen and also having a tired husband who wants to be supportive but doesn't love all your DIY projects and lets you know it).. I told myself I can do hard things and pushed through it.

I can do hard things when we stayed up late watching The Last Decent with your husband and you haven't watched a movie together forever so you keep watching even when you know you need to sleep. Then you end up dreaming about it when you do go to sleep and toss and turn. Then the baby is up because her teething gums hurt and your toddler has a bad dream about a boat (at least I think she was telling me that?) and you check your fitbit to find out you only slept for 2 hours the whole night and now you need to go to church but you can't even keep your eyes open.. etc.. I can do hard things.

5- Parenting is different for everyone and... each kid requires different parenting. 

I have been that judgmental person of the parent in the Walmart.. and the one at the park and everywhere in between. And then I became a parent and realized how hard and unique it is. I remember coming home from the hospital with my first thinking "People are just letting me come home with a human being that I am in charge of and they trust me to take care of it?" It's a huge responsibility.. and it is HARD!

My parenting is different than that of my sister's parenting.. and it is different than my mom's. My parenting is even different than my husbands and it most certainly is different for each of my children. And I suspect it will only get more different with each child as well. 

The key to parenting is that you do your best. AND you don't judge.

6- Don't be afraid to ask for help. I could cry as I write about this one because in the past 9 months I have had to ask for help more than I secretly want to admit. 

Most Sundays I go to church by myself because Brian has to work. While I realize so many people do this all the time, it has been new for me. And while some Sundays are smoother than others, it is so much better when I ask for help. 

On Mother's Day this year, Brian was working and I spent the morning cleaning up splattered urine and spit up. I got the kids in the car to realize I had left the lights on and the car was dead. We were already late for church, but I got the kids in the stroller and we walked.

I arrived hot and sweaty and we missed the sacrament but at least we were there. The family we normally sit by (and who are my church angels) weren't there that day so we looked for any open seat. The only seats available without disrupting more were on the back row with the aisle in front. We squished in and pretty much immediately the circus started.

Addie spit up and Lydia was throwing a fit as well as the goldfish crackers all over. I found myself going back and forth between the two to entertain them and get them to be quiet.

I was feel flushed and stressed (and still sweaty from walking) and finally the couple next to me took Addie so I could clean myself up from spit up and try to calm my toddler down all while faintly hearing a talk about how wonderful mother's are and their patience and realizing I was quickly losing mine. The sweet lady on my other side leaned over to me and said, "You are doing great."

They were just the words I needed to hear but they also got the waterworks going and I quickly grabbed my ornery Lydia and ran out of the chapel to find an empty classroom to cry in.. which only made Lydia freak out more ("Mommy cry?! Why Mommy sad?") in which she did a loud sympathetic cry for me. I wiped my tears quickly, calmed her down, took a huge breath and returned to sacrament meeting.

The rest of church I had people helping me right and left. And I told myself to let them help. I can't always be the helper and I need to learn to let others serve and help me. I needed it that day and many days since.

7- Write things down. You think you will always remember. But you don't.  While pictures are a great way of journaling these days, words can still go farther in our memories. 

Our awesome phones have these cool things called "apps" and you can find some sweet note taking and journalling apps. What I do is tell myself I can't get on Instagram or Pinterest or something until I have written in my note app about our day. And I am always so happy that I do because you just forget the day to day things. And sometimes what felt huge then isn't and what felt too small to mention turns out to be so special.

It's moments like what is pictured below. I think I would have only remembered that we had lunch with Brian while he was working a long shift. But thankfully I wrote down how excited both girls were when they saw him and how even my heart jumped. I also wrote about how Lydia insisted on wearing her little Doc McStuffin's backpack when she has no idea who the character is, she just likes being like daddy.

Write things down.

8- Nurture your husband as well as your kids. He needs some love and attention too. Teaching my kids that daddy and mommy's relationship comes first is hard and I am not the best teacher in this subject while these kids are so little. But it is something I want to learn more and get better at as they get older and can understand. 

We are striving to make date night more of a priority and that paying for a babysitter is indeed worth it.

This was our first date night (that wasn't the temple) in months. And I was giddy with excitement that it was actually happening because it had been so long.

Sometimes I let the kids completely take over my time with him and my energy for him. This and many many more dates and nurturing is needed.

9- It will all turn out okay. 

We recently watched the NBC series of This is Us and we loved it. At first it made us all worried that all our mistakes as parents will come out in our kids as they get older even though we are trying our very best. But then as the show went on things turn out okay just like I know they will in real life.

It's learning to have faith and continue to develop it. Isaiah 8:17 speaks "I will wait upon the Lord..and look for him." This has spoken deeply to me and taught me that when frustrations and trials come I must draw nearer to my Savior and I will be strengthened and healed. By doing so, my faith with increase and I will see the positive outcomes and feel the joy that accompanies them. 

We will be helped in this parenting journey and I am so grateful for that because I only know what I am doing 5% of the time. But in doing my best, I know that things will work out as they should. 

With posts like these I find myself worrying about offending others... to those who struggle to create their families I worry about sounding like I am complaining when I have these two babes in my arms. And to those of my friends who don't want to be a mother because they feel their life will only be diapers and laundry, I worry that my life reflects that worry.

But to both kinds of people I truly hope my life is real. Not perfect or staged or negative. 

I love this life and I write these things down for my own sake as well as in hopes someone will feel more normal and know they aren't alone. 

Satan would have us feel isolated and alone in our struggles, destined to compare ourselves with the lives of others and constantly fall short. It is my small hope that by being vulnerable and honest with what I struggle with and learn that someone else can be uplifted. 

9 months is a long time in so many ways, but I really do feel like this hasn't been long enough. 

I want more. More time to soak in the happiness I feel right now. 

Good Mom Moments

The subject of "mom-guilt" has been on my mind a lot lately. It could do with my battle with breastfeeding that leaves it fresh in my mind, but it also could be the tendency many of us have to be really hard on ourselves.

We often think that because we are a mom we should be able to do everything and when we fall short we think there is something wrong with us.

Even as I write this my mind is swirling with all the things I did wrong today and the things I didn't get done.

I could write lists of incidents like when I put Lydia in time out for sticking her finger in my chapstick tube and smearing it on her toys but then realizing that she was simply trying to put ointment on their "boo-boos" like we did to hers when she scraped her knee. And the mom guilt starts to seep in.. "Geez Anna, she was just being caring to others."  

Or when I was working out this morning and trying to beat my current planking record and Lydia came and climbed on me and I couldn't hold the weight and crumbled. My first response was a "Lydia no!" And then the mom guilt crept in.. "She was only trying to play with me" And it's a cycle over and over..

We can always be more organized or more cheerful or more clean or more on top of things. No one expects us to be perfect but ourselves.

So.. I'm not going to focus on my list of "bad monster mom moments" and instead here is my list of ways that I have been a good mom lately.

• I bundled the girls up and took them on a short walk before bed to look at the Christmas lights in my neighborhood
• I let Lydia stay up past bedtime because we were enjoying reading her pop-up books
• Lydia got to watch an extra show as I cleaned the kitchen.
• I made pancakes for breakfast
• I danced around the family room with both girls in my arms to "Rockin Around the Christmas Tree" 3 times
• I have a cinnamon apple candle burning and my house smells delicious
• We finger-painted pictures and thankful trees
• I got around to hanging some pictures on the walls
• I found some new names on family search to take to the temple
• I got up with each girl twice last night for a total of 6 interrupted hours of sleep
• I did laundry after being a week behind
• I wrote in my journal of special moments with the girls and the funny things Lydia has been saying lately
• I took a bath with Lydia and we played til the water got cold
• I pulled Adeline in bed with me and took a nap with her
• I had tickle and kissing wars with both girls until Adeline had a blow out all over her blanket

Writing that list started out really hard. I sat for a good 10 minutes just staring at my hands or at the big pine tree in my backyard. But toward the end I kind of got excited to write down some of the ways I have been a good mom.

I'm not all bad I guess. 

And neither are any of the women in my life who allow love to be the underlying reason for their actions. 

I think we should all take a step back every now and then and write down the things we are doing right and not focus so much on the wrong.

And some exciting news? Adeline is 3 months and is SUCH a happy girl. I honestly was worried she would be a harder baby due to her acid reflux but man was I wrong. 

Maybe it's because she is the second child and it forces her to be chill because she can't have all the attention or maybe it's because Lydia is there to watch and entertain her. Either way, she is happy to sit in her swing or in our arms and just watch with those big gray eyes (thinking they'll be hazel).

Adeline sleeps 12-14 hours at night with 2 feedings in there somewhere. She still sounds like a little piggy when she breathes and eats and I find myself speaking to her through snorts back. When she lies on her back she will kick her legs to scoot herself around and will get stuck in super awkward places. She is 14 lbs and is my little stiff chunk because she has the best thigh rolls and she still stiffens her body and planks it everywhere. 

Another good mom moment? I love these journals. I know I've said it before, but I am so grateful for the opportunity to look back on all these and for my girls to have them as they grow and see what life was like in their first year of life and how much they are loved.

I guess I just need to give myself a break. We are are worst critic right? 

Take a moment to tell yourself something YOU are good at and smile about it. 

Adeline Baby Journal

This child is growing like dandelions on a windy day in my yard.. If I were to post a picture of my yard this analogy would be complete. 

Life with 2 kiddos has been challenging but so heart warming and special. One of my worries about having another child was the fear if I would love her enough. My heart was already so full of love for Brian and for Lydia.. could it expand any more for another human and hold as much love as I already felt?

The answer to that is yes. My "Grinch" heart has grown in size and my love for this new darling spirit is unfathomable. Some people are not "newborn" people and enjoy kids the very most when they are a little older like sitting up or talking or the wild getting-into-everything stage. Having a newborn again has made me realize that I may just be a newborn person. I love how little they are and how they snuggle up next to you. I love to work to get a smile out and I love LOVE the smell of new babies. Though getting up at nights is tough, man it is holding that baby worth it. 

I just love this little girl so much. And I love these two little girls so much.. And I love their love for each other.

Kids come with their own personalities.. that is for sure. While Lydia has always been a wild child going 100 miles per hour.. Adeline is much more content. Lydia was not a snuggle bug at all and just wanted to be on the go.. and Adeline just wants to be held ALL THE TIME.

One thing I really do love about her growing is having this personality of hers poke through even more!

To cut Addie's hair wasn't a debate like I had, had with Lydia. My kids loose their hair around the time the baby acne hits and they are left with the old man half-bald look. I waited til 3 or so months to finally buzz Lydia. This time I just did it. Lydia's had grown in thicker and much more even and already I can tell the same for Adeline.

But this little ball of fluff is so soft.. and that is what it feels like.. like a really soft feather and is extremely fine.

Lydia's favorite thing to do right now is have the baby on her back. It sure makes for a cute picture. They are such beauties and boy do they look alike! Can you tell they are sisters?!

I do get the question pretty often of "do I think Lydia and Adeline look alike" and my answer is yes! They look an awful lot like me but have their daddy's eyes. Sometimes as I am feeding Addie I'll look down and feel like I'm looking at a baby picture of myself. Totally a weird feeling to have little minis!

Adeline is very strong for her age.. Lydia was too and started rolling at only a month old, but Addie beats her in her endurance. It may just be that Addie's acid reflux causes her to be stiff all the time, but she is always trying to stand and has been able to hold her head up since day one.

Lydia continues to love pretty hard on Adeline. I have started to wonder if she'll ever get bored of her sister because there is no sign of that happening anytime soon.

Here is the start of Adeline's baby journal.. I love doing these and seeing how much they change and grow. I think all too often that I'll totally be able to remember the little things she does at different ages, but I know that isn't true. Already I try to remember what age Lydia started doing what.. for example "cooing" and I have to go back and find where I wrote it down. I am so grateful for journals and records and need to do better at writing it all down so I can remember these precious moments!

This is to show Adeline's eyes.. I don't think she's going to be a blue-eyed girl! Her eyes and coloring are much darker. Right now her big eyes are leaning toward hazel like Brian's.

Adeline at 2 months is currently 12 lbs which puts her around 70% percentile for height and she is 23 inches which is 96th percentile for height. I have really tall babies (Lydia was also this way).

One of my favorite things about Adeline is when she smiles she gets so excited that she throws her arms up and her tongue instantly covers her smile... and her eyes get these little wrinkles in the corners like her daddy's...

I also love how much she loves baths. I remember wanting Lydia to love them so bad but she never did and still struggles at times with wanting to take them (Thank goodness for bubbles and bath crayons.. they are the best at helping her want to take them).

Adeline can sit in a bath until it is no longer even warm or lukewarm and she cries when I take her out.

It feels like we have always had this little pug in our lives. (Yes... her nickname is pug due to her constant snorting and snoring). It seems like we just woke up and she was in our lives and it just felt so natural that we never questioned it.

I like it that way.

40 weeks: I'm READY!

Lydia's Pregnancy vs Baby #2's... (look how long my hair was?!)

Tomorrow..

Tomorrow I am 40 weeks.

It is becoming the joke around here for me to labor on Labor Day! It wasn't until recently that I realized that this baby's due date was the day before Labor Day this year! Baby #2's due date is also Grandma & Grandpa Kendell's 32 wedding anniversary! We sure are grateful that our family is forever!

It's fun to compare these pregnancies together. I became much larger way faster with baby #2 and then kind of stopped growing for a couple months. With baby #1 it was much more gradual, but I do feel like I had gained more in my face than with this one. Though- I practically weigh the same in each picture.

Baby #2 is definitely lower than Lydia was. Lydia liked to stick to my right side (I only ever had stretch marks on the right side of my belly button) and was always up in my ribs. This baby I rarely feel her in my ribs at all.. definitely more in my pelvis! And she moves all over the place.. left to right, right to left.. I've had an explosion of stretch marks on both sides of my belly button to prove it.

I am so SO excited for this baby to get here.. the anticipation is driving me crazy! The last 2 weeks of this pregnancy have seriously gone SO s.l.o.w... The whole summer flew by, especially with how busy I was on the house. And even though I am still keeping myself busy with building a pantry, and painting and cleaning.. it just isn't the same. 

The good thing about it going slow though is that I have been able to really enjoy time with Lydia before her "only child" label becomes "big sister!" 

A few days ago I took her swimming with a new friend in my ward to an indoor aquatic center. Lydia was in heaven! It was honestly the cutest thing I have seen in a long time. She was just like her dad and did NOT stop smiling. Even as she would slip in the water a few times and go under and I'd have to "help her" by getting her to stand up and trying to teach her to blow out through her nose and mouth.

The other people there started feeling bad for me--watching this huge pregnant lady chasing a near 2-year-old around.. I am sure I looked like quite the sight!

Anyway.. I had one of the scariest moments I have ever had with Lydia... As we were swimming, she ran away from me and jumped (without any hesitation at all) straight into the lazy river. I ran after her and watched as my baby was not only swept under the surface.. but was swept away down the river.

Without even thinking, I dove in after her and pulled my coughing and sputtering child up to the surface... and I just held her. My mind tried to grasp what had just happened and what could have happened. I just wanted to hold her forever... literally forever.

After only a few minutes of recovery-she was running back to the slides to play. But it has been such a wake up call to me on how precious life is and how I could have lost her right then and there. The days since then her sweet little lungs have still been recovering from taking in some water.. but I am so grateful that she is alive and well and that she was protected.

And since then, I have felt the pain and pressure from running after her and diving in. (I thought that night after swimming that I was going into labor even.. false alarm) Having two little girls is going to be challenging.. but exciting. I just pray that my Father in Heaven will keep some guardian angels with us as I do my best to parent and love these precious daughters. 

Pregnant days with Baby #2 are numbered.. Here are the [almost] final pregnancy journal pages. 

Alright baby... tomorrow! Come out and let me love on you!

Baby Larson #2 Maternity

My sister Camille Garrison is amazing.. she did these on our way to my cousin's cabin just off the side of the road in the matter of minutes. We are truly blessed to have her to be able to capture moments like this. 

I love the maternity pictures that my friend Rachel took when I was pregnant with Lydia and knew that I just wanted a couple to look back on with this new baby girl as well.. but with how busy our lives have been lately (particularly Brian's schedule with residency) I didn't know if we'd be able to grab any. I am SO grateful that we did! I love them!

Lately I've found myself trying to soak in all the moments that I can get with this girl. Her time as an only child and our only princess is about to expire. I have days where I have felt anxious in wondering if I'll be able to give both girls the attention they need and want when they are both here.. but then I feel the spirit whisper that we'll figure it out and it will all work out. All is well!

39 weeks and the clock is ticking down. I am amazed at how much our lives are about to change yet again in just a few days time. We're still trying to pick out a name and do a few more things on the house, but we are SO excited!!