Life with TWO

I love being a mom.

But being a mom requires some adjustment. And now, being a mom of two.. has required even more.

Let me be frank... My first "wake-up call" as a mom of two happened as Adeline started crying for food as I was finishing feeding Lydia from a messy mac & cheese dinner.

I hurried and put Lydia in the tub, grabbed the baby and started nursing her beside the tub. Lydia then started yelling "poop!" which is what she does to let me know she needs to go.

So one hand on the baby eating, one hand pulling Lydia from the tub, to the toilet.. both kids start crying as I try to use a towel to mop the floor with my foot from all the water that spilled out from pulling Lydia out..

When all the sudden.. I have to go to the bathroom too.. and as I'm only just a couple days post-giving birth, this means I really really have to go!

But Lydia is on the toilet and I am feeding a baby.. and so.. I'm in a predicament.

I selfishly get Lydia off the toilet, hurry and go.. and as I put her back on I realize there is poop on the floor because I had grabbed her off mid-go.

Brilliant.

Face palm.

And I thought to myself [sarcastically].. "Wow Anna, you really rock at this mom of two thing!"

I remember the last time I kissed Lydia goodnight before we brought her little sister home. And I remember the first time she saw the "baby" and smothered her in kisses and a good eye poke. I hope she will always love her as much as she does now. (Just maybe a little bit more soft).

I kind of feel like I'm on some sort of safety patrol between Lydia and the baby.. CONSTANTLY.

Lydia loves on that baby so much that I felt like I had to keep her in her crib for the first 2 months to avoid Lydia's excited and overly squishy (not to mention suffocating) hugs.

The crib strategy worked until Lydia figured out how to climb into the crib. So then it was putting the baby in her crib with the door shut... but then Lydia learned how to open the door. So now.. I just listen for a door opening and that is usually my cue that I have about 1 minute and 23 seconds before Lydia is in the crib trying to hold the baby.

My next wake-up call happened at my first Sunday back at 9 AM church.

Brian was working and I was determined to get it right by myself.

I had it all together. I was up at the crack of dawn so I could shower, do my hair, and brush my teeth all before the babies woke up.

I got both kids fed, dressed, and I had time to pump so that I would have some milk to feed the baby at church and wouldn't have to leave to go nurse her.

But the best part of it all was.. I got to church EARLY.

You read that right. I was early enough that we actually got to choose our seats and have time to kill and even listen to the prelude music.

Lydia didn't know what to do with herself and wanted to dig in immediately into my church bag for toys and treats which is normally fine.. but I wanted to savor those.. Savor this time where I wasn't rushing and hushing my children.

The Bishop's wife came over to me before the meeting began and told me if I needed to go nurse the baby or something then she'd be happy to help with Lydia.

I thanked her, but secretly did a little jig inside because that wasn't going to happen.  I had this mom thing down! I was all set!

And then the meeting began.

And it was all great. For about 10 minutes.

Lydia was happily coloring and eating raisins. We made it through the hymn, announcements, and even the bread part of the sacrament.

But the baby started getting fussy.

Never fear! I have a bottle! As I am about to pull the baby from her carseat to feed her, I feel something warm and sticky on my hand..

I look into the carseat...

And the baby has pooped all up her back and front.

There is a POOL of poop surrounding her.

My heart panics but I breathe.. I got this. I can just feed her in her carseat and then go change her after sacrament.

But all of the sudden, I see that underneath the carseat.. you know the little holes the straps go through to hold the baby in? Ya those? Well poop is LEAKING out of those onto the bench underneath.

Gross... really gross..

And I realize.. I didn't pack a change of clothes for the baby.

And I didn't pack the right sized diaper either.

And so... I gather toys for Lydia, rush her to the Bishop's wife... grab my belongings and the baby carseat and try to catch the poop dripping out of the carseat as I exit the chapel.. get in my car... and drive home to quickly bathe the baby, pack my neglected needed belongings, (plus cleaning supplies for the bench) feed the baby.. and get back before the end of sacrament.

And that ended my determination to always have it together.

Instead, my determination to just roll with my best would have to work.

So this is what life with two kids is like (at least for me).

With just Lydia, sometimes I felt like a champion and other times I had no idea what I was doing. It could feel easy and yet it was the hardest thing I had ever done to start the road to motherhood. It was madness and pure happiness.

Over time, I gained confidence. The times that had felt so hard started to feel more manageable. And I felt like I was in a groove.

So we added a child.

Don't be fooled.. what looks like precious kisses in this picture is actually just Lydia wiping her nose on the baby's head. Yep.

And yes.. as shown above, we have some very crazy moments and it gets tough. But I find that I am learning so much this time around. And truly the good outweighs the hard by a long shot.

Here's my list of Lessons with Two:

Find balance. When Lydia wants my attention but the baby needs to be fed.. who wins? When Adeline is crying for me to hold her but Lydia is making a mess by dumping the bath water over the tub? Who gets it? Finding that balance can be so tricky and tiring. I can walk away feeling guilty for choosing to not let my bathroom become a swimming pool by letting the baby cry so I can clean it up.. or I can walk away from Lydia to change the baby's diaper when Lydia desperately wants me to color with her. I can't let myself feel guilty that I can't give my 100% to both children all the time.

Enjoy the small moments. When I do have the opportunity to give my full attention to a child (because the other is sleeping or something) I am learning to give it my all. Lydia is napping and Adeline is wide awake.. enjoy laying there on the floor with her and handing her toys to put in her mouth-even if there are dishes that need to be washed. It is just soaking in the joy on Lydia's face as we three sit in the dark with a flashlight on or allowing her to dump out the toy bin just to play peek-a-boo two times before moving on to something else. Enjoy those fleeting moments.. because that is what they are. Fleeting.

Fits happen. Lydia is my spirited child and often is loud and rambunctious. This also makes her fits seem a million times worse at times. I often feel like I have to hurry and 'calm her down' or that she has to go a whole day without a tantrum for me to feel like a success as a mom. But I am learning. Fits just happen. It's part of the stage. Lydia is 2 and learning how to control her emotions and she'll get there. It doesn't mean I'm a bad mom. Just one that has to learn to be extra patient.

There is only so much you can do. Dealing with two sets of needs at once is hard stuff. When both kids are screaming and it makes you want to scream too.. Take a breath. It is impossible to be the same mom with your first as you are with your second. My attention is split, but I am more confident the second time around and I need to let that confidence take over sometimes.

Prepare ahead. When you go out or have plans to go out. Just make sure to always refill the diaper bag with the much needed-family necessities. This time around I make sure to fill the bag after we get home from something because I definitely know myself well enough to know that the next time I am grabbing it, I am probably in a hurry.

It's okay to be tired. And it's okay to nap! (Even if there is a pile of laundry up the wahzoo on the bed). This one is hard sometimes, even now that Adeline is no longer a newborn. When both girls are napping I have always seen it as the time to get things done. That's when I can tidy the house, do some laundry, and clean the hard water stain in the toilet bowl. But there are some days that the baby had stuffy nose and was up 3 times and Lydia had a bad dream and was up asking for milk and comfort. And those days I really just want to lay down and take a nap with the girls. But I again let myself feel guilty for getting some rest even if I deserved it. Looking at all the "other" moms who seemed to have so much energy and are doing so much with their kids-they have tired days too. We just aren't seeing the big picture.

Let the older child get promoted to Mommy's Helper. Lydia has her moments where she gets jealous.. She'll get jealous when the baby gets milk and she doesn't. Solution? I have her help feed the baby. Does it always work? Nope. We still get tantrums. But we'll get there. Same with the bath.. When I bathe the baby, Lydia wants to be in the tub too. Solution? Have her help me wash the baby's legs. Most of the time Lydia loves being mommy's helper and for me I just needed to let her help more because she is excited about the baby too.

You really do have room in your heart to love another. Maybe this was a silly worry. But I was worried while pregnant that I wouldn't be able to love this new baby as much as I loved Lydia. Or that I wouldn't be able to connect with her or bond. Or that I would love Lydia less because I had someone else to love too. What's amazing is that it isn't about making room in your heart to love another, it's about your heart growing to hold all the new and overflowing love you have. I love and adore Lydia and I equally love and adore Adeline. All that has changed is that my ability to love has increased.

I am sure I have many more lessons to learn, especially as the girls grow and our family eventually grows. So I'll probably continue adding to this list.

I truly love these little beauties. They bring my home and life so much joy. I'm just so happy to be their mama.

Battling Breastfeeding.. again

How do I even begin to write down how I have been feeling lately?

I could write down lost or failure or quitter or maybe I should just add them all together and that would sum it up..

Or maybe a short story:

Once upon a time there was a mom who thought she had it all together. With her first baby she produced milk galore in the first 5 months and she felt like a champion.. and then her baby got thrush which started the 2 month battle of passing it back and forth until her milk dried up and she had to let go of her list of expectations of what it meant to be a "good" mom. Just because she couldn't breastfeed anymore didn't mean she loved her baby less.

But then 2 years passed and she forgot about the lessons she had learned the hard way and baby #2 came.

She had every intention to breastfeed and make it longer than she had with her first. But something was different this time and it just wasn't as easy as she had thought it would be the second time around.

Instead the battle resumed in full force.

And here I am again.. currently trying to let go of my list of what it means to be a "good" mom. This list always seems to weave itself in my head whether I want it to or not. I find myself adding things to the list as I read articles online or scan Pinterest or compare myself to my fellow moms through Facebook or Instagram. Sometimes I catch myself doing this and stomp it out.. other times. I let it get to me.

Near the top of that list is breastfeeding.. That boat set and sailed off with Lydia at 7 months but I was determined to make it to at least 6 months this time, if not beat Lydia's feeding record. Make it at least until 6 months.. Like biting into a piece of cake, right?

Nope. More like biting into a rock. Ouch.

So my new story is this---Due to my postpartum hemorrhaging it took longer for my milk to come in and when it did, I just never felt full.

I remember when my milk came in with Lydia.. All the sudden I was full and I was going to fall over because my chest felt so heavy. I had a large milk supply and was able to save months worth.

I expected a similar feeling with my second baby but that didn't happen. I never "felt" my milk come in. I just kept feeding her and then as she started to drink longer I thought, "Well, I guess my milk came in finally." And life went on.

But it got harder. Adeline never had as strong of a latch as Lydia. I definitely had to work for it, but when she did.. she would latch firm and wanted more and more. I just never felt like I had much milk and so I felt like I was just constantly feeding Adeline. I felt like I stayed in the same place all day.. And nights were even worse.. She just wanted to eat and eat and eat! I even tried the co-sleeping and feeding thing just so I could catch a little bit of sleep.

When I talked to the doctor about it he told me that as long as Adeline was gaining weight then I should just keep doing what I was doing.

This response frustrated me because I knew that I couldn't keep doing what I was doing.. how many episodes of Care Bears or Curious George could Lydia watch before I was considered a "bad mom" on my list? To be honest.. she'd already watched too much as I tried to figure this feeding round 2 out. It was the only way that I could focus on Adeline and try and get her to latch and not have Lydia running around trying to hold or jump on the baby or feed her goldfish crackers.

I was so focused on Adeline's latch and trying to feed her that I didn't notice the cracked and dry nipples and the pain that started to intensify. I was focused on how Adeline would cry before, during, and after feedings and her latch was getting worse. Brian finally was the one to point out we had another problem. Thrush.

Nooooooooo!!! [insert loud groan here]

The dreaded thrush was back... even after trying to avoid it in all the ways I could think of and read about.

And we were back at the Doctor's office where I told him that I was losing my milk and needed something to work the first time. I didn't want another 2 month battle with this.

He told me we had to try Nystatin first because even if it didn't work with Lydia it might with Adeline. I left the office feeling sick but determined to make this work. I couldn't lose my milk...

But now after 2 weeks since that appointment and having done the 10 days of Nystatin diligently and trying my hardest to make sure it was working.. thrush has not disappeared.

But my milk has.

And it's consuming me. My every waking moment is spent in "How can I save my milk?" and "What more can I do?" and the fear that my milk is drying up completely.

Because it already is. My right side is completely empty. There is nothing left.

Right now I am getting away with a night feeding and a day feeding.. and as much "snacks" as I can get in with supplementing after.

Even as I write that my eyes fill with tears because it feels like such an ultimatum. If I let that last feeding dry up that's it.. that is the end. Addie will never have this again from me.

I know that breastmilk is not everything. I know that this is not life and death. And how grateful I am to live where I can go to the store and buy formula.

But I did have high hopes and when they come crashing down it hurts.

In the hospital when I gave birth to Adeline, I asked for a binky for Adeline to suck on and I got a big mouthful from some of the nurses saying how they promote "breast is best" and having a binky that soon wasn't protocol. That's how the rest of my hospital stay was.. I honestly felt like I was being congratulated for breastfeeding my baby and that the 2 oz bottle of formula my baby was fed while I was recovering from the birth was awful of me to make them give her. "How could I have done that?" they all seemed to say.

I left feeling even more determined to breastfeed and not let myself fail.

So when things went downhill.. those feelings of failure have engulfed me a bit. Those things that were repeated over and over and over keep coming back to me as I struggle. "Breastmilk is the best thing for your baby," "drink more water!" "nipple stimulation" "keep up on your vitamins" "Fenugreek" and "offer both sides" and lots and lots of oatmeal, salmon, spinach and carrots.

The worst thing when your supply is low is to supplement with formula.. but my baby was not getting enough and I was honestly sitting in the same spot all day trying to nurse her.. which is practically impossible with a toddler. Lydia watched TV all day long on those days in the beginning and that only made me feel like a worse mom.

And so after crying to my husband on far too many occasions.. I called my mom.

It is so true that you learn to appreciate your parents more and more the older you get. My mom is a wise woman and is often inspired to say just what I needed to hear.

She told me that breastfeeding does not mean I am a better mom and nor does formula feeding. It isn't a test of motherhood and I shouldn't feel guilty for nourishing my child with formula.

Sometimes there are factors outside of your control no matter how motivated or how hard you try.

I have done my best and that is enough. She said if I want a stronger bond with my baby then feed her the bottle by holding her and not propping it up on something. I should stop what I'm doing to do so.. just like I would have had to do if I were breastfeeding. I should look my baby in the eyes and chat to her like I do when I breastfeed. And turn off the distractions like the tv and phone so I can give her my whole attention.

I am not lost. I am not a failure. And I didn't quit. I need to kick those feelings out. These are just Satan's lies to get me to doubt myself and my abilities.

Even with my few feedings my current goal is to make it to 3 months and if I make it there then I might aim for the end of the year. But I can't let myself be angry if it doesn't work out.

I truly am grateful for record keeping. Seriously.. reflecting back on life lessons help me so much in learning today's lessons.

I wrote this journal entry of my first breastfeeding battle and the 4 things that we all should remember with formula vs breastfeeding. To summarize my own thoughts in two sentences: Don't judge others because the way you feed your baby is your business. Nurturing is more than milk and you know what is best for your baby.

I gotta kick my "perfect mom list" away and focus more on loving my children deeply. I need to base my decisions on love and not so much on being perfect.

It's okay to feel sad that things haven't worked out how I wanted them to but I also need to learn to accept that I am still a good mom who loves her baby and just wants what is best for the both of us.

My SECOND first night of motherhood

You may recall my first night of motherhood.. You know, the wake up call that my expectations were a bit unrealistic.

Well, you think I would have learned..

But instead I thought.. "I've done this before. I know what I'm doing"

Any thought like that is usually just Heavenly Father's way of letting you know there are some future growing pains coming. 

So I should have known as soon as that thought came into my head.

But I went on my merry way and found out the hard way (but thankfully not as hard as my first night with Lydia).

The hospital stay was different this time.. Because I was confined to my bed the whole time and also because the staff considered me an "experienced" mother (since I had a child at home) the info they would give me usually went something like this: "Breastfeed your baby every 2-3 hours, but you already know that.." "You already know this but Your baby should have this many poopy and wet diapers." Etc

I left the hospital feeling like a champ! I already know this! I know what I'm doing! I am a pro!

Whoopdie-do straight to my head. Walking out to the car, my expectations were soaring even though I had tried to keep them in a harness!

What I was failed to be told and be reminded of.. Is that every single one of us is different.. Hence.. My babies are not going to be the same and the experiences we have once home are NOT going to be the same as before.

So here I am.. Driving home from the hospital.. Baby in the back and meeting my mother-in-law to pick up Lydia. 

I do not write posts like this to complain.. just simply to be honest and upfront. If there is anything I have learned about myself through the years.. it's that I set expectations for myself whether I mean to or not.. and these expectations often cause me to learn deep heart-felt and growing-pain kind of lessons.

My [unrealistic] expectations had been this: Drive home from the hospital, pick up Daughter #1 and laugh and talk the whole way home about how happy we are to be a family of 4. Walk into a sparkly clean home and let Daughter #1 and #2 "play" together on the floor while Mom showers and Dad makes dinner and takes care of the kids while Mom gets to take care of her needs. Then snuggle on the couch as a family and read books and watch a cartoon and eat the brownies that Dad made knowing Mom wanted to eat something sweet. Then put the kids in bed and go to bed ourselves with me getting up every 2-3 hours to feed the baby. (I had remembered from my first experience that it was about every 2-3 hours that I had, had to get up... I also remembered that I wanted to put the baby to sleep on her tummy instead of back and that I would take the baby into her own room if she was too fussy). I finally expected to wake up in the morning and have Brian take the kids so I could catch an extra hour of sleep before meeting the day.

Of course.. none of this happened.

Lydia was exhausted from playing hard at Grandma's and likely had, had little sleep and lots of sugar.

Needless to say, she was hyper and ornery at the same time. She was super excited to have the "baby" in the car, but curious on why she was there and where the heck mom and dad had been the last few days. So some pretty big emotions going on for this almost 2-year-old.

Once we pulled into the driveway, Brian grabbed Lydia, and I grabbed Adeline. Walking into the house this time wasn't weird at all. It felt natural.. like this should have been happening for ages.

But that is about where the 'natural' part ended.

Lydia started throwing a fit as we walked in the house. Brian (who hadn't gotten much sleep so he was very tired himself) got pretty mad at her for throwing the fit.

I found myself putting the baby down, and rushing to intervene and explain to Brian how Lydia was feeling and that we needed to be very sensitive and understanding.

He left to change his clothes while I put Lydia in the tub, fed the baby, started unpacking from the hospital, had to go to the bathroom myself and call to him to come get the baby... then dress, feed, and clean Lydia.

I thought to myself.. "I just had a baby.. not even 2 days ago. Where the heck is my husband and the help he is supposed to be giving me?"

The baby was crying because her feeding was cut short and Brian had put her down to answer a call.

I felt a small bubble of anger in my gut, but put on my big girl panties (no pun intended because after having a baby you wear granny panties for a while) and set to work.

After some time, Brian came back out and apologized that I was doing everything.

I think he expected me to say, "You're fine honey. I have this." but instead what he got was, "I am doing everything. Go change the baby's diaper."

That night I put Lydia down early because she was exhausted. I was feeling a tiny bit emotional because I hadn't even had the chance to shower and felt gross and so tired. Brian and I cleaned up and then went to bed ourselves around 8. I had set everything up in our room with a bassinet and the baby's room across the hall for an easy and comfortable first night at home.

I put Adeline in the bassinet and laid in bed. Brian fell asleep immediately and I found my eyes just closing when I heard Adeline cry.

Up.. grab the baby.. Feed her. Lay back down.

32 minutes later baby is crying, I'm quickly grabbing her so I don't wake Brian, feeding her.. back to her bassinet.

30 minutes later, Adeline's spitting up (Darn it.. forget about the whole burping thing AGAIN! So hard to remember when you still don't have your milk in!). I take her into her room to clean her up, feed her, BURP her, and back to my bedroom to sleep.

27 minutes later I give up on the bassinet, feed her, put her in the crib, and back to the bedroom to finally fall asleep.

My night went on like this for a good 5-6 hours.

I found myself setting the baby down in her crib and sitting in the rocking chair for 10 minutes of sleep or whatever I could get.Why wasn't this baby sleeping? Were her nights and days mixed like I had heard can happen? Was she starving and frustrated that my milk hadn't come in yet to really fill her up?

The baby starts crying again. Repeating feeding her, putting her down, trying to close my eyes.. feeding.. diaper change... going to the bathroom myself, feeding her, burping.. trying to sleep... etc. etc...

By the 13th feeding (Just throwing in a number there) I sat in the rocking chair and silently cried a little.. letting the tiredness and feelings of failure sink in.. and what made it worse was when I [once again] felt the urge to go to the bathroom and [once again] didn't make it.

What is wrong with me? I was supposed to have it all together this time!

Finally it is 4 in the morning and I am positive I've had a full 22 minutes of sleep the whole night.

I cry lightly to myself and in desperation I grab the baby and pull her into bed with me.

"I am a terrible mother" I think.. "I have no idea what I am doing. I thought I did but I don't. I think I have gone backwards this time."

And as I am about to fall asleep, I have the thought.. "You are doing your best" ring out clear in my mind. And I fall asleep..

And the miracle is.. so did the baby..

Just like that. She slept in my arms for 4 hours straight.

And the other amazing part is.. I slept for a couple of those 4 hours!

When I woke up with Brian and Lydia that morning.. I was feeling like a champ again. I had gotten a couple hours of sleep!

And as we went about our day and when feelings of failure started to swirl around me as I restarted Care Bears for the second time.. I had those 5 words ring out again.

You are doing your best.

I have been thinking about all this since.. I have to keep telling myself exactly that... I am doing by best. And so are all the other women out there. Some new moms may really just have it all come so naturally but I am not one of them. And though things are not so natural.. they still are me doing my best.

And let me throw in.. my husband is a great guy. Yes.. He wasn't the big help I had expected him to be the first day home. But he is a superb father and a wonderful husband and he is also human. Residency has kicked his [and our] trash and I shouldn't have had such unrealistic expectations but I'm not going to lie and say they weren't there either. He is also doing his best even though his best might be a bit more ornery [at times] than mine.

I truly hope that on the third or fourth or whatever first night of motherhood that comes in the future, that I will just learn to let things go and live and let live.

I need to be fine with the fact that I will do my best even if that means the baby (and myself) doesn't sleep the whole night or that my husband is also tired and not as helpful, or that I can't control my bladder after giving birth.

It's still my best. And that is enough.

Baby #2

It's happening... again! We are getting ready for Baby Larson #2! 

Baby is due to join our family September 4, 2016. We are getting more and more excited as the days pass by helping it feel a bit more real.

For some strange reason, all 3 times I have been pregnant, I have known right away.. Brian tells me all the time that it is pretty impossible for me to know so soon, but for whatever reason, I feel different almost immediately. Who knows if this strange feeling will continue for all my kids, but every pregnancy thus far has felt the same.. like my body is no longer just mine.

Waiting for the double lines for 2 weeks to confirm what I already know feels like the longest part of pregnancy haha.. Well at the time it does, the next longest part of pregnancy is waiting for the magical week 14, which for whatever reason is my light switch that turns off the all-day sickness that has me making friends with the toilet and enemies with all things food.

I took the test on Christmas and waited to tell Brian until New Year's Eve. Even though I had felt pregnant for the 2 weeks already, I still felt shocked to be pregnant again. Brian was even more shocked.. he thought I was kidding with him because technically we had decided to wait a few months before trying.. but if there is one thing I have learned through my life-it's that the Lord likes to test me by helping me to trust in his timing, and not my own. 

And so.. our next September baby journey started.

I gained weight very quickly in the beginning with this one, like I did with my miscarriage and I felt very crampy as well. This made me very nervous and I worried that I would miscarry this baby as well. Around week 8 I started bleeding and after a few days my doctor ordered a stat ultrasound to see if I had miscarried.

I think I cried the whole way to the hospital and tried to hold myself together once there. Since it was a stat ultrasound, the technician wasn't allowed to tell us much. After 20 minutes or so of her moving the probe across my belly and taking pictures, I asked the question my heart had been crying out for the past few weeks-"Is there a baby?"

The ultrasound technician sighed and said she was sorry but she couldn't disclose anything. 

I think my fears showed on my face so she pointed to the screen and said, "Do you see that flicker right there? Can you guess what that is?" 

Brian instantly held my hand and said, "Anna, that's the heart. That's our baby right there.."

My heart soared.. There was my baby! All the sudden peace poured into my body.. peace that the Lord had been giving me but I had shut out because of my fears. 

The rest of the appointment went smoothly. We had to meet with the doctor afterwards so he could give us the news in which we were told that everything looked great and they didn't have a reason for the bleeding but that I was to go into the doctor later that week and the next to make sure.

In the next week, everything became more normal, the bleeding stopped and the all-day sickness set in and our baby is growing wonderfully. We feel very blessed.

With me feeling so crappy lately, I've let the house go to shambles... thankfully I have the best cleaning crew I could have asked for. They've been super helpful in holding down this fort!

Lydia's new thing is making this face whenever I get the camera out. It's her instant cheeser and it cracks me up. She is our little diva and we love her crazy personality. Besides her books, her other favorite toy right now is her baby doll. She pushes the doll around in the stroller each day and carries her baby around with her. It has helped me to know she won't have too much of a problem adjusting to a new little human around here in a few months.

Even though we've heard the heart beat and seen the ultrasound, this time around feels almost more unreal than with Lydia's pregnancy. And to be honest, I think I am more nervous than before.. because this time when I look at my little girl running around, I know what I could lose more than ever.

My miscarriage was a sadness for the loss of what could have been and the child I didn't get to know. After having Lydia and knowing what it is like to her-my child physically in my arms and love them so much your heart could burst, I fear for losing another baby now that I know what that feels like.

But besides trusting in His timing, the Lord also is helping me learn to have more faith. Each time I have a fear or worry, I say a silent prayer and I have been blessed with peace and comfort almost instantly. I know that whatevesr happens we will not be alone and we will be comforted.

At 14 weeks, I am showing a lot more than I was with Lydia. I feel like I fit into my jeans for weeks and weeks and even then used an elastic around the button to keep using them. This time I don't even want to keep wearing them.. My pants have consisted of mostly stretchy leggings or yoga pants. 

Since we move soon and I have to pack anyway, I've just been putting away pretty much anything in my closet that doesn't fit or won't in the next couple months.. and my closet is super bare now! Finding something comfortable and that fits is my daily challenge ha.

We are excited, hopefully through sharing my thoughts and fears I haven't lost anyone to us thinking or feeling otherwise. We feel truly blessed to be have our growing family. I am learning to replace my fears with faith and be more excited with each passing day.

Parenting Preview

     This week my sister Camille and her husband Ben went on a 3 day trip to Washington DC, and then off to Costa Rica for 10 days. Yes, everyone is secretly jealous and wishing to steal their tickets or jump in their luggage. But lucky for the whole family it means that little Claire Bear stay with us!

I think I caught the one time this little munchkin hasn't smiled---Literally! She is ALWAYS happy!

    So for the first part of this week it was Brian and mine's turn to get a little sneak peak at what parenting would be like. I joked with him and told him that it would be good birth control for us. Boy was I wrong.

     I don't think a moment goes by where Brian doesn't turn to me and say, "I want one Anna"

     Oh boy! I was told that right after a couple gets married, the girl will go through a phase where she'll see all the babies in the stores or at sacrament meeting and just want a baby. I went through this stage. I was told just to make it through this little phase because then reality would hit me that we weren't ready. Well reality hit me this week and I was the one trying to convince Brian we weren't ready. He'd keep saying, "Let's have a baby" but what he really means is, "Let's have a Claire." We should just clone her. Riiiigggghhht.

     Claire is the easiest baby. She isn't awake for more than 3 hours at a time. (Jealous right? I wish that could be me sometimes) So she sleeps a lot, eats, poops, and laughs and laughs. Literally. That baby does NOT stop smiling. She lets anyone hold her and play with her. When I put her down for her naps, she'll take the Binky out of my hand grab, lay down in her crib, and pull the blanket over her. WHAT BABY DOES THAT? Of course after babysitting a baby like Claire everyone would want a baby. 

     The reality of it is, that most babies aren't like this. I certainly wasn't. We visited my grandma the last night and she told me a story about myself I had never heard. She said that one time I was at a banquet with my family. There was an older lady in her 50s sitting across from me and I just looked and looked and looked at her. Finally I asked fairly loudly ( I was a very blunt child.. still am) "How old ARE you?"

    I just want to know what Camille and Ben have done that I can replicate. She's not only a good baby, but a stinking cute one.We pretty much don't want to give her up. But how could we not?

    Don't worry though, just because we got the parent preview doesn't mean we'll be having a child anytime soon. We still have lots to get under our belt before there's a baby. :)

 

    Now you want one too. Don't ya?!