Welcome 2018

As 2017 comes to a close, I can't help but have Albus Dumbledore's words ringing in my head, "Another year gone!...What a year it has been! Hopefully your heads are all a little fuller than they were.."

Our heads but more importantly our hearts are much much "fuller" than they were a year ago. We have seen and felt the tender mercies of the Lord in our lives pushing us along and we have witnesses miracles as well as enjoyed the growth and learning our family has made.

About this time last year, I found myself staring at our family motto for 2016 which was CHOOSE JOY and I felt it just wasn't time to let that motto go. So we kept it for 2017 and I think it was really important for our little family to have that reminder through all that 2017 had in store for us.

I wanted our goal words printed out where we would see them and be reminded of them each day. So I made them apart of our command center in our kitchen.

And now it is that wonderful time to not only reflect on this last year's growth and goals, but to continue the tradition and pick our new goal words for 2018.

At almost 4 months we chose the word BLOOM for our sweet Adeline.

Looking at this darling girl a year ago to now has me looking at a beautiful toddler. That little baby has bloomed into a busy toddler eager to get her hands (and mouth) on everything.

Adeline's appetite has bloomed into a love of almost every food except peaches and green beans.

She has bloomed in her love for other people, especially babies and kids. She will shake with excitement and lunge out of your arms to be around others.

Her personality has bloomed and I have loved watching her thought process and to see her find things she loves. She is our observant and thoughtful little girl.

Adeline's love for music and dancing has bloomed and will continue to soar. Any beat or rhythm she will immediately pump her hand (not fist, open palm) to.

Adeline's love for books has bloomed but an unexpected blossom is her love for sports and balls. She is so coordinated at kicking and throwing balls and loves to be an active participant.

Adeline's vocabulary is truly blooming and hearing her say "Thank you" and "Pwease" will set a permanent smile on your face.

Adeline's new word for 2018 is GRASP. To grasp is to really seize or hold onto something firmly. It is our hope that she can truly grasp the world around her and how much she is loved. We hope she will grasp her new role as big sister in a few months and also grasp all the new adventures and lessons that will come her way.

At 2 years old Lydia's word was CREATE for 2017. And boy did this girl take that goal and run with it.

Lydia's personality is to create her own flare to life all along her way through it. This year she created joy and imagination in ways I would never have thought of.

Lydia has created many new friendships and loves to play and be the boss.

She has created a love for singing and wearing dresses. This little lady is all girl and creates a bit more sparkle in the world with her love of pink and lipstick and painted nails.

Lydia has created a very deep love for anything pink and that was all she initially asked Santa for, for Christmas was "a pink present."(Easy enough for Santa)

She especially loves to create through art and projects. She loves play dough, painting, coloring with anything that makes a mark, and cutting paper and string. We always run out of the "pink" items first (paint, crayons, makers and play dough dry out from overuse, etc).

Lydia has channeled her energy in creating more learning and knowledge for herself. She loves to write her name with help and find the letters and numbers that surround our billboards, license plates and decorate some of our mountain tops (We live near the V and B on the mountains in Bountiful).

She has helped create many rules and boundaries in our home and family with her endless energy and desire to test the limits.

Lydia has created a love for her Savior and loves to point him out in pictures, statues, books, etc. Recently she has taken to reminding me when I have lost something and then found it again, "Jesus helped mama find that."

This next year Lydia helped chose her word to focus on. Lydia's word for 2018 is CONNECT.

It is our hope that Lydia will connect with others, her sisters, and us as her parents. We would love for Lydia to continue to make a stronger connection with her Father in Heaven and Savior. We hope she will connect in her learning new things and her communication skills.

For 2017 I chose the word BECOME. It felt so fitting and I am happy to think of all the things I have become in the last year but I also recognize that I have so much more to do to really embrace the word become more fully.

I have become a better wife and mother but I realize that I have such a long way to go. It has been a lot of growth on patience and humility in motherhood and I feel extremely inadequate. I feel that I have much room for improvement but I am grateful for the progress I made this last year.

I have become a more loving disciple of Christ. One of my biggest goals was to become less judgemental and more accepting and loving of other people's choices and lives. Honestly this one was a lot harder in the beginning of the year but I am so happy to say that it became less of a focus because it got easier to love and accept as the year went on and I found myself succeeding most of the time.

I became healthier and fit in my body, spirit, and mindset. My scripture study became more meaningful as I included a more meaningful prayer to invite the spirit in to teach me and so did my eating and exercise. My goal went from "trying to fit into my old clothes" to changing my mindset on how I ate and strived for a more effective and enjoyable exercise routine.

Our house has become more of a home as we have sought the spirit to be more present and continued to find joy in house projects.

One of the most important ways I have really stretched and grown with the definition of become which is "began to be" is in my role as a wife. Brian's second year of residency began in July and it seemed to hit with a cannon ball to the stomach as he quickly experienced true burn out. As his wife, I felt helpless, nervous, and so vulnerable. I didn't know how to help him and quickly felt drained and the onset of burn out myself. I truly had to learn what is meant to become a supporter and encourager while grounding my anchor of trust in the Lord as we had just found out we were expecting our third baby. Learning to trust in the Lord and his timing is really becoming.

My new word for 2018 is CHERISH.
I hope that I can cherish and protect all that I hold dear-my family, my testimony, the different roles I hold as mother, wife, daughter, friend, and disciple of Christ. I want to cherish change and cherish the trust that has really "begun to be" in my soul.

Brian's goal word for 2017 was REACH.
In his professional life, it was a pleasure to see the growth that he has attained in his knowledge and understanding of his patients. In October of 2016 he had a resident who was very belittling and hard on him. It brought out this "wife bear" in me that I had never experienced before. I was angry with this resident and how she treated Brian. What was such a pleasure to experience was that Brian worked with this same resident in March of 2017. We expected hell and prepared for it. When the time came though, this resident couldn't stop raving about Brian's progress and knowledge. She loved seeing his growth and working with him that she asked to work with him on another rotation after that. We truly felt Brian was reaching his goals.

And though residency took a turn of exhaustion, Brian's knowledge and skills have really stretched and grown.

Brian has reached out for a more personal growth in having a grateful journal and looking for ways to stretch his gratitude and find joy each day.

Brian has reached out in his fatherhood and love for his girls. The girls are sad to see him leave each day and look and wait and look anxiously out the window for him to return.

Brian's testimony has reached and extended through his trials but also his successes. He too has been learning to rely on the Lord's timing and plan.

For 2018 Brian has chosen the word APPRECIATE.

Brian hopes to be more appreciative and grateful. It's been a rough last few months for him with residency burn out and this word felt fitting for him in this coming new year. Brian wants to learn to appreciate more by look for things to be grateful for each and every day.

At home and elsewhere he also hopes to be more appreciative and understanding with all his girls and emotions that he doesn't always get. Spiritually and physically he hopes to appreciate his working and healthy body as well as show his appreciation for his knowledge of the gospel and our Savior by developing better study and service habits.

As the news of our dear prophet Thomas S Monson's passing last night I feel it so appropriate to quote him here as the new year of 2018 dawns.

"Be of good cheer. The future is as bright as your faith." -President Thomas S. Monson

President Monson had such a great focus on the things that matter most. His legacy and lifetime of service all done with a sweet smile will be greatly missed and I hope emulate them this year.

As I have been putting away Christmas decor, I at first felt like my house looked naked with the original everyday decor back in place. But I couldn't help but feel there was a little bit of symbolism in it all.

By the end of the year we adorn our Christmas decorations and it feels magical and exciting to feel the change of extra things filling the house. After a long year of ups and downs we feel ready for the magic and love that Christmastime brings.

But by the end of the holidays when it is time to clean up it almost feels refreshing and simple to do so. What a great way to start out the new year! Clean, fresh, and simple as we turn over a new page.

And once more in the words of Dumbledore, I'll start 2018 out with this, "Before we begin our banquet [new year], I would like to say a few words. And here they are: Nitwit! Blubber! Oddment! Tweak!"

Round THREE

It was a lovely day in August.. well more like an eery day actually. Pretty sure the world will always remember it as the day of the Eclipse.. but I'll also remember it as the day I found out I was pregnant with my third child.

Now to back up to this moment, I had been bleeding every 1-2 weeks since ending nursing with Adeline back in the end of December of 2016. It had been kind of awful trying to figure out why and switching birth controls and all that fun "womanly stuff."

Brian and I finally decided after an unsuccessful (and painful) round of a new pill that we were going to go off birth control completely and let my body get back to normal for a month or so and then I could try again with a different pill. We felt good about the decision and planned for a new pill in September.

Well.. we waited.. and waited some more for my period to restart. I was going on 4 weeks of no bleeding which was really weird to me after months of having problems. I finally bucked up to take a pregnancy test.

Negative and truthfully I felt relieved because Adeline wasn't even 11 months yet.. but.. I still felt like I could be pregnant and so I wasn't completely convinced. 

2 weeks later. Still no period. Which leads me to August 21, 2017.. the day of the Solar Eclipse.

The girls and I had just gotten back from the park and viewing the Eclipse (which was amazing of course). I was feeding them lunch and went to the bathroom and just "happened" to decide I'd take another pregnancy test just because.

So I did.

And it was positive.

And I stared at it for about 5 minutes straight while faintly hearing Adeline crying for more food in the background. I then searched for another test.. I knew I had one somewhere.. and positive.

I couldn't believe it, and truthfully I didn't know how to react. I just wasn't prepared for this. Brian was on one of his hardest rotations of the year and it didn't end for another week. I was worried about telling him.. that it would stress him out.

Now please, don't get me wrong.. We WANT this baby. We always knew we would have more kids. I just had expected to wait at least another year so it was a really big shock at first. I just hadn't mentally prepared for it.

I could hear the girls asking for "more carrots" in the background and numbly got them food though I am not sure it was the food they were asking for. I then went and sat on my bed.. and cried.

I cried for my reaction. I was frustrated that I was crying at all. I cried for feeling scared. I cried because I knew I was already alone so much and thinking of doing 3 kids on my own overwhelmed me a bit. I cried because I knew so many people I love wait years and years to have children and here I was with a "surprise" and worried about offending those who would take my place in a heartbeat. The guilt crept in that I got to be pregnant when so many struggle. I cried mostly because I was just scared and nervous.

Thoughts like "Adeline isn't even a year yet, will she feel neglected? Have I given her enough time and attention?", "How will we afford a 3rd child right now?", "We'll need a bigger car, another car seat.. and a million other things.. how can we make that happen?", "We'll need to put the girls together in a bunk bed maybe.. but will Adeline be ready to move from her crib that early?" , "How will I grocery shop with 3 kids when it has been a nightmare with 2?" and a million more worries.

And then I read something that really helped me through all my emotions and fears.. It was a reminder of what I already knew but had needed a push to have a bit more faith and trust in my Father in Heaven. I ran across a talk by Dallin H Oaks that he gave in a devotional 15 years ago. His words were spoken as if directed at me now. The talk is called "Timing" and it fit so perfectly with what I needed to hear. 

He said the following, "Because of things over which we have no control, we cannot plan and bring to pass everything we desire in our lives. Many important things will occur in our lives that we have not planned, and not all of them will be welcome. Even our most righteous desires may elude us or come in different ways or at different times than we have sought to plan.

How fundamentally different my life is than I had sought to plan! My professional life has changed. My personal life has changed. But the commitment I made to the Lord—to put Him first in my life and to be ready for whatever He would have me do—has carried me through these changes of eternal importance."

How profound are these words? And they definitely don't just apply to how I was feeling upon being pregnant. It applies to so many decisions we have made in our lives and will make. I had always believed I'd go on a mission and do many educational experiences overseas before marriage.. but then I met Brian and it was a true test of the commitment I had made to the Lord in following what He had in store for my life, and not what I had in store.

Truthfully I am much more grateful that He is in charge. How different my life would be had I stuck to my "own" plans. 

We had planned on a European trip in April which was how I told Brian.. He kept going on about the plans and I simply said, "What if have a baby in April instead?" He said that wouldn't happen and I said, "What if it did?" and he said hesitantly "Wait, are you serious?" and I just nodded.

His reaction was completely unexpected. He laughed. 

And laughed...

And laughed some more.

It went on like that for almost an hour.. and I quickly realized he was in shock. When he finally came back around it was night and day difference and he fell into the same worries and fears I had felt..

And thankfully it gave me the opportunity to share with him what I had read and felt, as well as my testimony of the Lord's timing. The peace the Lord had been sending but that I had blocked out with my fears came flooding in and Brian could feel it too.

Elder Neal A. Maxwell said: “The issue for us is trusting God enough to trust also His timing. If we can truly believe He has our welfare at heart, may we not let His plans unfold as He thinks best?"

Fast forward to now. Here I am, 17 weeks pregnant and feeling better than I did with my last pregnancies. We find out what we are having the first week of December.

Are we excited? Yes. Are we still nervous? Of course. But I truly believe that God knows what we can handle and knows this baby needs to be in our home soon. We truly are excited and I am grateful I can say that word with confidence. We are excited to be a family of 5.

Residency: Chapter One

I get asked a lot about how residency is going. And often I just try to be witty and throw out a casual answer like "It's going" and change the topic. Mostly because a) it's easier than trying to explain and b) I don't really know how it is going because truthfully it is just different than I thought.

This year has been both harder.. and easier than we expected.

Intern year hit off with more than a bang.. it was kind of a catastrophe actually. Within 2 months we moved, bought a home, fixed it up, had a baby, and during all that Brian was thrown into his first rotation in the ICU where he was working 100+ hours a week at times. 

To say we were overwhelmed is an understatement. 

I remember flopping in bed at midnight after just ripping out the flooring in our new home and crying because I hadn't seen my husband in 3 days because he was working 12+ hour nights and our last communication had been to snap at each other from our exhaustion and stress and whip out a few awkward hugs that meant "I'll see you when I see you and maybe we can work this out then" and wondering how in the world I was going to survive THREE whole years of this.

I felt guilty for being upset with him when he was the most stressed, tired, exhausted physically, mentally, spiritually, and emotionally I had ever seen him. I wanted to support him but I too was exhausted, feeling overwhelmed, and about to have a baby.

And at that moment I thought to myself that this was way harder than I had ever imagined.

But then flash forward only a month later where we sat chilling at a park eating Little Caesar's pizza while watching Lydia chase some rolly-polly bugs and we were casually talking about how nice this new geriatrics rotation was and how we were able to see Brian so much more.

It felt like a dream and that the last hellish rotation of ICU was just a really really bad nightmare.

And at that moment I thought to myself that this was easier than I had imagined.

And the year continued like that.. 2 weeks of stress, 6 weeks of not, 4 weeks of exhaustion, 1 week of not, and so forth.

Honestly this post has been a really hard one for me to write. I have probably written 5 different versions of what I want to say and none of them felt right to me.

I sat on the phone, talking to my friend back in Chicago whose husband is just ending his 3rd year of medical school and tried to put into words what this year has been like, and I even struggled spitting the words out to her.

It's not that this year has been that awful or anything, it has just been so different than I ever imagined. Had you asked me how it was going every 3 of the last 12 months, I would have told you different answers at each stage.

I worried about writing this because I didn't want the whole "woe is me" or "pity my hard life" or anything like that. I know a lot of what I experienced this year is normal for many people and not just the wife of a new resident.

Often I find that to explain our experience I talk a lot about the negative aspects which make it sound like I'm complaining and I really really don't want to sound like that or that my life is really negative when it isn't.

I just want to be real for those who experience similar situations.

I wrote a post "To the First Years" and gave advice on what I wish I would have known or heard starting medical school. And this post is kind of similar but aimed at residents and what I would tell myself a year ago if I could.

You see, it is so much easier to look back on a trial or a life experience and see what you should have done or wished you had known at that time. And in a lot of cases, though it was a difficult time, in the end many of us wouldn't give it up because we learned so much about ourselves or our loved ones or we just grew stronger in ways that can only happen once beaten down.

So here is what I learned or how I would prepare myself for the year that was a head of us.

1- Take a Big Breath. Breathe in and breathe out.

I can't tell you how many times we have to verbally say this out loud to each other. But in that breath your senses awaken a bit more. You feel your lungs fill with air, you hear the exhaling air through your nose and you will see and think a bit more clearly.

Most of the time Brian holds me as I cry or worry. He's always been my protector and comforter.

But the night before he started his first day of residency as an intern, I had the chance to reverse those roles. I held him.

He was feeling completely overwhelmed. Besides everything that we had going on in our lives, he felt he was drowning in expectations given by others... his family, his school, me, but most importantly his expectations for himself.

He had waited for this moment his whole life and yet here he was and he didn't feel as smart or strong or ready as he had always thought he would be.

In that moment I found myself telling him to breathe. Just breathe.

When the tough times of pure exhaustion came. We learned to take a breath.

And when the moments of pure joy came. We learned to take a breath. A different breath though, one where we savored it a little bit more and enjoyed the feeling of joy.

When our second daughter was born we took a deep breath in and held it there a little bit longer.

When Brian came home from work one night with tears in his eyes from being beaten down by a resident's harsh (and cruel) words. We took a breath.

When I felt lonely and friendless I learned to breathe.

When Brian surprised the girls and I by coming home hours earlier because it was a slower day, we took a breathe of happiness.

In and out. In and out. Just breathe and live.

2-We are in this together.This is our squad.

One time I was waiting for Brian to come home because I had to run to an eye appointment and he had told me he would be home in time. So I waited and waited and started fretting and worrying that I wouldn't make it on time.

I watched his car drive into the garage and I let the anger start to boil a bit as I waited for him to come inside. It was a good 5 minutes before he came inside and I was frustrated. I even thought to myself I deserved to be frustrated. He knew he was late. He knew I was waiting and yet he stayed in his car for 5 minutes extra instead of running inside and allowing me to run to the appointment.

When he walked inside I let him know I was mad as I left the house.

As I was driving to the the eye exam thinking about all the 'good' things I should have said, I had the thought come to my mind "You are in this together." But I pushed it away because I was just too frustrated.

I started thinking thoughts like, "I am home with the kids all day holding down the fort. I clean all day. Do your laundry. Make you lunches and dinners. Do your shopping so there is soap when you want it and toothpaste always in the drawer. I am lonely and don't have friends or a social life because I don't speak to anyone above a 2 year-old all day. I never do anything for myself and all I asked of you was to be home at this time so I could get my eyes checked."

And the thought came more powerfully that time, "You are in this together."

It wasn't until a few nights later that Brian came home from a long day and the kitchen was not clean when he walked in and I didn't have dinner and the kids were ornery from shorter naps and had gone to bed early. He walked in and did a big sigh and then started angrily doing the dishes. When I came in to welcome him home he said, "I don't have time for this. I go to work for 12 hour plus days and come home to a messy house that I have to clean and I still have to finish my notes and read about tomorrow's patients but I am just so tired. I just can't do it all. I want to be with you and the kids and now they are in bed for the second night in a row and I haven't even seen them in days."

And this time while he was speaking the thought came again that had come so strongly the week before, "You are in this together." And this time I listened and I understood.

It is so easy for Brian and I to point fingers or say that one situation is harder than the others. But that isn't the solution. What we have had to learn is that we are in this together. We shouldn't be against each other but supporting each other, listening and holding each other through it.

I once had a friend tell me that what she and her husband do sometimes before they go to bed is to ask each other what the other is currently struggling with. They talk about it and then the opposite spouse prays with them but for them and their struggle. They are truly willing to bear one another's burdens and get through it together. Since hearing this, Brian and I have tried this as well and it has helped us to stay more connected and on the same team.

When we got married and we said yes for "time and all eternity" we didn't place exceptions on that. We didn't' say "except when you leave the kitchen dirty and drink all the orange juice in the fridge" or "except when you are late coming home and don't put gas in the car." We are together through eternity and that includes everything each person goes through and experiences.

We are learning it is important to stay connected in other ways too. We need date nights, monthly temple trips, talks away from the kids and talks with the kids. Planned and unplanned family night outs and just the candid moments in between.

There is no one else I'd rather be in this with. This little family is my ultimate #squadgoal and I can't let myself miss that.

3- Support, Support, SUPPORT

This can go a few different ways. I'm talking about supporting him. He's tired and working hard and so are you, but this won't last forever. Cheer him on, tell him you are proud and grateful for all he is doing. Uplift him and love him.

But I'm also talking about supporting yourself and kids. You need someone cheering you on too. Having family nearby was our biggest reason we chose to come back to Utah. For us, nothing beats family.

But we also grew used to amazing friend and ward support systems while living as students both at USU and in Chicago. We had expected to find that here but it didn't come as quickly. It has and still is taking more time and effort than it had before, and time is just something that doesn't come smoothly with Brian's schedules.

Regardless, keep searching until you find it and hold on if it is already there. Surround yourself with people who build you up and keep you floating when it would be so easy to sink.

4- Learn to be independent. I had to learn this in medical school and then relearn it here.

With family nearby this usually means that there are more family gatherings to go to-baby blessings, baptisms, monthly family dinners, the usual holidays, and the spontaneous game night, etc. Brian can't go to most of these events and so I often go alone. Thankfully they are family so it really isn't that hard to do.

For me the harder stuff to do is going to activities or neighborhood bonfires or BBQs with just me and the girls. These are things I would want Brian to come with me to and before this medical stuff I wouldn't have gone by myself.. but now I do.

I know too many people who wait. They are the ones who wait for their circumstances to change.

I was this person at one point. I waited for Brian's days off for us to go do things. And I waited some more. And finally time was just slipping through my fingers and I realized that while waiting I was not living.

We still have to live the life around us. I can't stay shut in to my house waiting for Brian's day off so we can do something. Nope. You learn to get out with you and the kids without him.

Being independent also means wearing the pants on the "adulting" things that Brian usually does. For me, it meant I do the bills or mow the lawn or get projects done around the house and don't wait for him to have the time. I make the phone calls to schedule plumbers or the internet (which I hate doing). I call the insurance company to go over benefits, etc. I'm not saying I do these things all the time. I'm saying that I don't depend on him to do it if it needs to be done.

5- God is good

Brian's Sundays in medical school were very free. He never had school on Sundays and rarely if ever had rotation or clinic needs that took over. We made a family decision that he would never study on Sundays and that they would be days for family, church, and God.

We have not been able to keep that decision alive in residency. Brian works most Sundays and so we have had to readjust. We make time for our priorities. When someone says that they "didn't have time" to do something, most of the time what they are saying is that they "didn't make it a priority". Of course there are exceptions, but most of the time that is exactly what it is.

Prioritizing family time is important, prioritizing God is even more. While he may not be able to physically go to church all the time, there are still many other ways he can make time for God. You need to do what personally works for you and your situation but you need to make sure it is something you make happen.

Some of the things that works for Brian are these:
-Daily Scripture study as a couple, a separate one with the kids, and family prayer
-Listening to scriptures and conference talks to and from work
-Reading the Ensign on downtime at work
-Family home evening on his days off
-Monthly temple trip (or in our case it was every 5 weeks)

It was October, General Conference weekend.. and Brian had worked the night shift and came crashing down the stairs on Saturday morning where the girls and I were watching conference. He sat down just as Elder J. Devn Cornish spoke on "Am I Good Enough? Will I make it?" and it was NOT a coincidence that Brian came in at that time.

Brian was feeling beat due to a tough rotation and a resident who was very negative. He needed someone to believe in him when he didn't quite believe in himself just as Elder Cornish had experienced. For Brian to come in at that moment and hear a man speaking of similar experiences of residency, spoke to Brian and told him that God was aware of him and his situation.

We need never do hard things alone because we have the best cheerleader and coach one could ever have. Make God a priority. God is good and he is on our team.

6- Don't forget to Live.

Brian has truly handled residency like a champ. But he is human and so I did see a side of him that at first had me wondering who the heck he was and where my husband had gone.

But he'll come back. And he has.

This isn't Groundhog Day where you are stuck in the same day forever. Meaning that you won't be this poor, this lonely, this busy, this crazy or a new intern family forever.

It also means that you won't have a 2 year old and 9 month old or living in a fixer upper or driving that blue Honda CRV forever either. When residency is over you will have an almost 5 and 3 year old, possibly a new car and less to fix on the house and who knows what else will change...

Don't think of life as "some day it will get easier and better and we can finally live" because it is not true. These are some of the best years of our lives. Don't forget to live.

Fnd the joy in the stage and focus on it so that you can look back with fond memories and be grateful you overcame the challenges and trials that will make you stronger if you allow them to. You have the choice. Choose to live and love it.

So there you have it. At least my view of this last Intern year. We're doing it just like you, and your grocer, and the Coldstone ice cream scooper, and everyone else.

And now time to reminisce about the awesome time we had last week in a beach house in California celebrating the end of Intern year... while Brian is currently finishing up his his first 30 hour shift in the ICU as a second year resident.
Bring on PGY-2. We are ready for you!

The good is there: a 4 month old and my wild 2 year-old

We have a 4 month old on our hands! I have to keep repeating that to myself because it really has just flown. But what is funny is that Brian and I were talking about how it feels like Addie has always been with us. I love life with this sweet babe in it.

This gray-eyed girl is our sweet and chill little chunk. She weighed in at 15 lbs and is 25 inches long which puts her at 70% percentile for weight and 85% for height. For some reason I have tall babies though Brian and I are not very tall ourselves.

Adeline makes life so much fun.. and busy. She is getting closer to sitting up by herself and enjoys grabbing on to toys or tags, or whatever is hanging in front of her.

She has wicked hand-eye coordination. It's kind of weird to me. She will grab food from our hands, hold her bottle to her face, and bat away our hands and kleenexes and nose suckers from her face. She is a fighter and knows how to get away. I am struggling with clipping her fingernails because she is awfully good at squirming away.

But we really all adore her. When Lydia wakes up, the first thing she wants to do is go get the baby and I have to keep Adeline's door firmly shut to prevent Lydia from waking her up to play. Having these two girls together is so much fun-even if I have to play the role of referee.

Brian's week off was supposed to be a vacation somewhere exotic, but when buying a house and normal bills and the "joys" of fixing up the house hit and then adding a baby that still gets up at night, and head colds-- the vacation turned into a stay-cation, which has turned into something a little too chill and unplanned. Not really how I wanted to spend Brian's one week off for the next 6 months.. but if there is anything I'm learning it's that I gotta embrace it and make something of it.

We went and watched Moana in theaters and loved it. If you haven't seen it then go watch it. I've been singing the songs all day. Even Addie watched a good portion of the show before zonking out.

We were "thrilled" to find water in our furnace room and downstairs bathroom this week. With the crazy weather going from freezing to rain and melting all the snow, we spent a good portion of Brian's week off rotating towels around and pulling up carpet and linoleum. Talk about adulting and learning the true lives of home ownership.



And with talking about life with Miss Adeline, it seems only right to give updates on Miss Lydia too.

Lydia is soooo animated lately..

Lately? Who am I kidding? She is always animated.

Lydia's make-believe play is exploding and I LOVE watching it. She has a big Mickey and Minnie Mouse that she takes to the potty, feeds them food, puts them to bed, changes their diapers and just loves on.

Her vocabulary astounds me and I really have to watch what I say because she will repeat me. I realize how much of a little girl she is growing into these days whenever I look at her or when I listen to her "read" to herself. She used to just repeat the animal sounds but now she says their names as clear as day, "Dolphin, Giraffe, Duck, Shark..." She has recently learned about Foxes, but the problem is.. she doesn't say the name very well and it always sounds like she is saying a very naughty word. Brian and I find ourselves wishes we had waited to teach her what a fox looks like.

While I love this age so much with her curiousity and learning, I am also really struggling as a parent.

I find that there are days when I have very little patience towards her and the things she does.

For example, if I have to leave the kitchen when she is eating to go change Adeline's diaper. Lydia will act out for attention and throw ALL her food on the floor. Or if I am reading a book or cleaning the bathroom, she will seek for my attention by making a mess because she knows I will rush over.

And I get it. I do. She wants me and ALL of me there with her.

But as a mom of two, I can't be solely focused on her all the time. So my goal is to find that balance right now.

Another problem we are having is Lydia's dominance.

She has an extremely dominant personality. She is very controlling, demanding, and bossy. And yes.. sometimes it can be cute, but it is so overwhelming sometimes as well.

At the gym daycare the other day, Lydia got written up for pushing another child and drawing with a pencil on another child's face.

I had to sign a paper saying I understood that if Lydia got 2 other write-ups then she would be suspended.

I got in the car and cried.

My two-year old is a bully! I felt (and still do feel) so helpless. How can I explain to my two year-old about her behavior when she had already probably forgotten what she did wrong. We teach her to be "soft" and use words like 'kind and nice' but she doesn't understand those words as well as the word "soft."

So that is where I am with Lydia right now. I love her with all my heart and more, but I am being tested in the parenting area with how best to raise her and help her understand to be kind.

And moments like this pictured above may look staged, but it caught me off-guard completely. I was going to take a picture of Adeline when Lydia came up. I was thinking she wanted to just see herself in the selfie cam, but instead she gave me a hug and I was able to snap the picture and catch that brief but special moment.

I live for moments like these. Moments that let me know I'm not an all-bad parent. Moments that let me know that this time with Lydia is just a phase and if I continue to try and to raise her the best that I know how and as polite and kind as I can.. then I'm not failing.

Now.. to go make the rest of the week a good one.. Hoping to throw in a Jazz game and skiing (if I can kick this cold)... Did you see that game last night? Brian and I were pretty pumped listening while folding laundry.

And a side note on Brian: Marriage is NOT always what happy wedding pictures, facebook posts and the "quick pretend we weren't fighting" face you make when you are around others. I think we are all learning to open our eyes a bit more to look behind the pictures and read between the lines. And while Brian and I struggle in our own ways just like anyone else.. It does help to uplift and compliment each other.

Brian has been such a Mr. Mom all week. He got up with Adeline a few times (she had a stuffy nose which makes it so she struggles sucking on her binky which makes it so she struggles sleeping). He's done laundry, kept his cool with our flooding basement, taken us girls swimming and to a movie, and still wants to massage my aching shoulders from lifting a bit heavier than I should have.

Look for the good in each other. Because it is there.

Welcome 2017

Another year is behind us and what a wonderful and challenge filled year it was.

I have seen so many statuses and comments about how dreadful and terrible 2016 was and how they couldn't wait for it to be over. And to be honest, I felt bad for those people posting it. None of us are strangers to trials and frustrations, but I would hope that through whatever we face, we can find the joy and happiness and learn to focus on those.

2016 was not the easiest year of our lives. Adding another kid to our zoo also added stress, marriage was not the easiest by far, and adjusting to a new area has been a lot harder than we imagined. In fact, there was a time this year that I felt so completely overwhelmed and down that I decided to choose a family motto to focus on. And here it is: CHOOSE JOY

I wish I could tell you how many times having this hung in a high traffic area has helped me through this year. It reminded me to choose to be grateful for the year of 2016 and how we have all grown-and how I personally have grown.

And now it is that time of year again to choose goals to focus on for this new 2017 year. I loved that as I woke to a New Year, I woke to fresh snow on the ground, reminding me that it is time to start anew with a clean slate.

And as tradition, we chose our word goals for the new year.

At 15 months old Lydia's goal word was Explore. Throughout the year of 2016 Lydia did some majoring exploring. Her explorations brought us a lot of joy, and sometimes frustrations and tears.

Lydia explored boundaries and what it means to "push mom's buttons"
Lydia explored language and her vocabulary has exploded.
She explored what it is like to play hard during the day but be grateful for and even ask for "nigh nigh" each evening.
Lydia explored the art of play. This has been one of the most fun to experience and see develop. She is beginning to pretend play and talks with her toys.
Lydia explored what it means to be a sister and she takes the role borderline too lovingly.
She explored different sports and may have been a fish in another life with how much she loves swimming.
Lydia explored her testimony and planted a little seed. She breaks out in prayer randomly throughout the day "Heavenly Father Day" is how she starts out and it is a heart melter. So if you hear it, grab a tissue.
Lydia explored toys and has found which ones she loves most (She's big into magnets, blocks, and fisher-price little people).
Lydia explored characters from movies and books and while she still loves Winnie the Pooh, her adoration for Finding Nemo and Mickey Mouse may be even stronger.
She explored her independence as she is now potty trained (still loving to "blow kisses" to her potty as it goes down the toilet). [insert embarrassed emoji here]
Lydia explored some major gross motor skills such as jumping and riding a tricycle
She explored the snow and actually enjoyed playing in it this year which has been perfect with our awesome hill in our yard.
She explored her love for animals more in depth and even rode a pony.
Her exploration set no limits and fears and she has grown SO much!

Her new word for 2017 is CREATE

Lydia has so much energy and joy for life that it is my hope that this next year she can channel it to CREATE joy, growth and knowledge.

Adeline's word for 2017 is BLOOM

(It is weird to think she wasn't quite with us last year yet (I was pregnant with her). It just feels like she has always been with us!)

Our hope for Addie this year is that as she grows, she will BLOOM. She is our little bud of joy and we look forward to watching her learn and see her personality and happiness sprout.

I'm going to quote myself from last year on what I hoped to achieve this year with the word Embrace, "My new word for 2016 is Embrace. I want to embrace this new year and all the changes and experiences that are in store for me and my little family. Embrace is such a warming action word. It involves attitude and feeling, enthusiasm, and support. I think it will be just the word I need for this year."

When I chose this word, I knew that I was only 4 weeks pregnant and that it was a bit sooner than I had planned. Adeline's due date landed right around the beginning of residency and I was scared that it was going to be such a terrible time to have a baby. I also knew that with graduation and residency approaching that I needed to embrace all the changes, even if that meant we didn't end up where we wanted.

-I embraced my pregnancy and the struggles that came with it. I embraced the new changes in my body for being a vessel for another human being and that meant embracing new stretch marks and a rising number on a scale that meant I was being blessed with another sweet spirit.
-I embraced the move from Illinois to Utah with open arms. I was excited for the new chapter but had many reservations about what Utah had in store for us. 
-I embraced the task of making our new 1950s house a home and worked hard to whip it into shape and make it livable. 
-I embraced residency.. and yet, I am still learning to embrace it. It is hard and it really stinks sometimes. I have watched Brian be emotionally, physically, and spiritually exhausted all at the same exact time and felt helpless and yet I embraced this new change and strived to support him and be enthusiastic through the trials.
-I embraced motherhood to two little girls and the demands of my new role. I embraced this calling and learned (and am still learning) how these two should come before myself and my desires.
-I am learning to embrace my new body after having 2 girls and strive to get healthy and strong.
-I have embraced a stronger sense of who I am as a daughter of God and where I want to go.
-I have embraced a deeper understanding of the gospel and our Savior's atonement. And am realizing I have more growth and knowledge to embrace still.

With all that I have embraced this year, the biggest is that I have embraced a new me. I am not the same Anna from a year ago. I'm grateful to look at who I have become this last year and be thankful for the experiences I have embraced to get me here.

This next year of 2017 my goal word will be BECOME.

The definition of BECOME is "begin to be." My hope is to begin to be happier, stronger, healthier, a better disciple of Christ, a more loving wife, a kinder teacher and mother, more teachable and humble, and more willing to serve and trust in the Lord. 

Brian choose the word better to focus on this last year.


This was an excellent word to summarize his goals since it was filled with so much change. Brian is better because of it all and because he held firm to faith that it was all going to work out if he continued to try and be better and not give up.

Brian is a better student, a better father, a better friend, and a better follower of Christ.

His abilities and skills are better and even his cooking is getting better (ha).

This year he has become a better version of himself. 

For 2017, Brian has chosen the word REACH.

He spoke about his fears of complacency and how he wants to push himself to work hard and get out of his comfort zone. Sometimes all it takes is is effort to reach and aim higher to improve yourself. 

Brian hopes to reach more knowledge in his fields of study and in his work. He hopes to reach to have more understanding of his patients and how best to help them. 

Thank you 2016 for a wonderful and growing year! We are excited for 2017 and all that is in store for us!

Marriage Journal Update

It's been a while since I've posted the update of our marriage journal. Along with the pregnancy, and baby journals, I've loved making these along the way.

I'm a big believer in journals. Even though I am far from perfect about writing in mine, I like to find creative ways to document our lives from big to small. This is part of why I blog.

President Henry B Eyring gave a talk years ago that has always hit home with me. The talk is titled "O Remember, Remember" and in it he tells of a story where he returns home late one evening to find his father-in-law rushing out the door after helping his family and hears in his mind very clearly the words, "I'm not giving you these experiences for yourself. Write them down."

He goes on to explain that we are to make a record (a journal of some sort) for our children to read and see how Heavenly Father blesses each and every one of our lives daily. Since this talk given 9 years ago now I have tried harder to keep a record of our lives and our blessings.

I kept a pregnancy journal for both Lydia and Adeline. And a baby journal for Lydia and have started Adeline's. Having one for our marriage is special to me as well, especially as we look back to see how much we have changed and matured!

 

I'm not one to sugarcoat my life.. and truth be told marriage is hard... amazing and worth it, but hard. Year 5 has been a rough year with so many changes and with residency kicking us in the face but I can't even begin to describe how grateful I am to have memories to reflect on as well as a journal of all of the great moments to drown out the hard ones of this year. I'm grateful. 

And that feeling of gratitude is what I'm going to choose to focus on.

Welcome 2016

I remember when we first got married and Brian would say "I will graduate from Medical School in 2016" and it seemed like ages away then.. but now we just welcomed in the year 2016 and I have a hard time believing that it is really here.

There are many anticipated big changes for us this year, and I am sure some unexpected surprises. At the beginning of 2015 we each chose one goal word to focus on throughout the year instead of remembering a long laundry list of resolutions, we chose a word that would sum up our focus for the year.

At 3 months old, Lydia had started discovering the world and it seemed only fitting that this be her goal for the year 2015. Discover.

Now reflecting on this past year, it was the perfect word for such a busy baby.

-She has discovered her love for books and will choose them over any other toy.

-She has discovered that she loves to be constantly moving, jabbering, and busy all the time.

-She has discovered the pride she feels when she does something all by herself.  

-She has discovered words and ways to communicate her wants and needs. 

-She has discovered love for people as well as for her blanket and stuffed animal dog.

-She has discovered her favorite foods and ones she couldn't care less for.

-She has discovered her favorite animal which is a dog and will try to bark and pant to be like one.

-She has discovered that she would rather run than walk.

-She has discovered that if we say "no" to her then she only wants to do it 5 times faster.

-She has discovered that she loves to figure out how things work whether it is putting the lids back on bottles or stacking containers, she loves the process of things.

Lydia's new goal word for 2016 is Explore. It is our hope that she will now explore the life she has discovered and let her curiosity expand as she learns and experiments.

It was hard for me to narrow down just one word for me to focus on this last year, but the word Brave just kind of spoke out to me. Through many of my own personal struggles I found that I just needed to be brave in all that I do and to brave through trials that come our way.

-I changed brave into a verb. Instead of just "being" brave. I decided that I would brave through life this year. I have braved motherhood. Being a mother is what I have always wanted to do more than anything, and then being pregnant brought so many fears and thoughts of if I would be a good mother or a failure. And then going through different battles of thrush and losing my milk supply.
-I have braved through my feelings of low self-esteem. While I realize everyone battles feelings of inadequacy and negative thoughts towards one's looks or abilities, I feel like at times it was happening a bit too frequent for my taste. Society places so much emphasis on how a woman should look after having a baby and how if you really dieted and exercised anyone could lose the baby weight quickly. This was not so and it took me a whole year to brave strict eating to get off what I had gained and just be healthy. I have braved through these negative feelings to find the good qualities about me.
-I braved through a very demanding calling of being Young Women President.. It has sent me to my knees more times than I can think. I have had to brave boundaries of my comfort zone by talking to families who are in need, making confrontations, and dealing with situations I never thought I would enter.
-I have braved standing up for myself and being more independent. I would often feel nervous to make phone calls to businesses or look or feel stupid for not understanding questions and whatnot. I have wanted to push through that and be more confident.
-I have braved through living away from family while having a small family of my own. Braving many long days of being a single mom while my hubby worked long hours.
-I have been brave through my personal pursuit of happiness. All of this has been a work in progress but I feel much more brave after this year.

My new word for 2016 is Embrace. I want to embrace this new year and all the changes and experiences that are in store for me and my little family. Embrace is such a warming action word. It involves attitude and feeling, enthusiasm, and support. I think it will be just the word I need for this year.

Brian choose a very fitting word for 2015 that allowed him to continually push himself and devote himself to everything he is involved in. He chose Dedicated.

-Brian was very dedicated this year-to me, his daughter, school work, and to the Lord. It isn't easy to be a full time medical student and the Elder's Quorum President in church at times, but it has been so worth it. Watching this man give everything he has to the Lord and the people he has stewardship over has been spectacular.
-Brian has been very dedicated to me and to our marriage. Marriage can be a roller coaster at times and it isn't always thrilling, but Brian has been dedicated to me through all the good times and bad. Social media makes it easy for a person (like me) to make my life look perfect through smiling faces and fun activities. Not that everyone needs to know about the marriage woes, but they are there-just like in any marriage. Brian has been and still is dedicated to making our marriage something special for us.
-Brian is a dedicated father. The days I would see him come through the door after a long day of studying and be completely exhausted-and yet he would fall right into his roll of fatherhood-playing with Lydia, changing diapers and feeding her and cleaning around the house. Even though he could have every reason just to flop on the couch and turn on the TV.. he didn't. His love for that little girl melts my entire being.
-Brian has been so dedicated in school. Through boring and hard rotations, lots of praying to decide his specialty, taking the big Step 2 exam, being in the top 10% of his class, applying for residencies, and going on what seems to be endless interviews, he has exceeded the definition of dedicated to me. He works so hard for our little family and in serving the Lord.

Brian has chosen the word Better for 2016. He has his personal reasons for this word choice, but I am sure it will help in this coming year and all the opportunities in store.

Goodbye 2015! You have been good to us. Welcome 2016!

First Residency Interview... or something like that

Today Brian has his first interview for residency.

And from now until the end of January he will drive and fly up and down the West coast and Midwest telling everyone why he wants to go their residency program.. or something like that.

His suit will be freshly dry-cleaned, his hair neatly trimmed, face smoothly shaved and he will try to convince these programs why they want to choose him for a resident.

Well.. kind of choose him... rank him on their list of top residents is a better explanation.

And then come January when all smiles have been shown and questions asked and answered, and with interviews completed. We will compile the list of our top programs.

And then our list of desired residency programs and each program's list of desired students gets plugged into a computer that uses a mathematical algorithm to calculate where we best match and wallah!! It's a MATCH! Or.. something like that.

We leave our fate to a computer that assigns one person to go here.. and another here. We could stay in Illinois, we could move North to Wisconsin, or East to Ohio.. or South to Texas.. or West to California.. or let my heart hope.. Utah.

So let's take a look at our current and future to do list.. ✓

→ spend life savings (or more loans) on applications, interviews, flights, rental cars, gas and an interview wardrobe.
→ match day (3rd Friday in March)
→ move in April to residency location (we've set up our schedule to move earlier than graduation to have more time to get settled and take a graduation vacation)
→ graduate (First weekend of June)
→ work, work, work, cat nap, work, work, work, cat nap, repeat for first year of residency
→ 3 years of Internal Medicine residency
→ 2-3 years of a fellowship (yet to be determined)
→ get first paycheck to pay off $300,00+ loans... or.. something like that.

It truly is exciting.. and scary to be at this point of the medical school process. There are so many unknowns and new opportunities just around the corner.

Match day will come. I will wait anxiously like a kid on Christmas wondering if I'll get a sack of coal for calling my brother names or if I sneaked by with the barbie doll I wanted.

Brian will come home tonight from MCW and tell me all about his first interview and then we'll prep him for the next one this time next week.

Things are really hopping around here.. or something like that.

] Anna