The Child I Never Knew

My baby left me at 7 weeks.

I have had a few people tell me, “Lucky you weren't that far along yet so you weren't that attached.” Comments like that have felt like a slap in the face. Why wouldn't I have already been attached?

I knew the day after that I was pregnant. I could feel a change in my body and it was such a strange sensation I just knew I had to be pregnant. I waited 2 weeks and took a pregnancy test and had a big bold double line confirming what I had already felt.

Telling Brian was unreal. At first he didn't believe me, but who could blame him when I had tricked him in the past? After that it was kind of a blur of emotions; the excitement, the nervousness, anxiety and thought that kept running through our heads “We. Are. Parents!” As the days went on, the feeling that surfaced the most was love. I loved this little person within me. I felt so blessed that I was going to be a mommy.

Joy is the best way to describe it. We started calculating doctor appointments and when we would find out the gender and of course the due date. I was due in August. In fact, I was due on Brian’s birthday August 16, 2014.

I thought of my baby every second. What would she look like, who would she look like? What would we name her? What would she accomplish in her life?

Yes.. I call her a she. I had a very vivid and real dream that this baby would be a little girl. Whether that is true or not we won’t know in this life, but it has helped me in this whole process to call my baby a she.

Keeping a secret when one is bursting with joy is so hard. But we did because we knew I wasn't that far along and we knew the possible risks and so our lips remained shut.

We were heading to Utah to visit family for the holidays and I can’t even tell you how many times I found myself talking to my reflection saying, “Now Anna, This needs to remain a secret.”

The day came to fly to Utah. Our flight was delayed. We missed our connection. I was having cramps. Told there were no more flight for 2 more days. Said a prayer. Still having cramps. We decided to drive. We decided not to drive. Cramps closer together. We got stuck at the airport for almost 24 hours. Said another prayer. Cramps. We found a cancelled flight. About to board the cancelled flight when:

Cramps. I was doubled over with pain from cramps that were coming on so quickly I didn't have time for breath. I feared what was happening. I wanted to just get home to Utah. I just wanted to leave the airport.

On the plane. Not seated by Brian. Cramping. All alone. In the middle of a man and woman I didn't know. All alone. Cramps. Sweating. Withering. Can’t. Hold. Still. All. Alone.

Finally off the plane. In the car. Straight to a Christmas party. In the bathroom. There is the baby. Tears. Tears. Tears. Tears...

Then came all the emotions. Fear. Sadness. Bitterness. Fear. Self-Blame. Worry. Fear. Heartache. Are just some of the few raw emotions that immediately hit. Even though I had a firm testimony and confirmation of the truthfulness of the Gospel, it didn't stop those first few moments of pure heart wrenching sadness. I couldn't understand how someone so tiny and that had been with me for such a short time, could leave such a hole in my heart.

About as soon as all these feelings started, I was overcome with a sense of calmness. I don’t know how to explain it, I still felt sad, I still was crying, but I was calm. Calm because I knew that everything was going to be okay even if at that moment my world and plans were crashing down. I was in fact, NOT alone. Nor had I been on the plane during the most pain I can remember feeling. I repeated it to myself in the mirror as I left the bathroom. I am NOT alone.

Tender mercies are always present if we but look for them. My first was the fact that I was (almost) in Utah where the doctor I have gone to for the past 3 years is. The second was that I was again (almost) in Utah where my family is. What would I have done if I had been back in Chicago? Would I have even shared this with them? How would I have dealt with this differently?

Not a day goes by where I don’t think of the little one I lost. Of all the potential that she had to offer. And then I find myself correcting what I just thought. HAS to offer. Not had. My baby still HAS potential to offer. Maybe the physical qualities she has to offer are limited in this life, but her spiritual qualities live on.

She showed me the miracle of life. Life is so complex and such a miracle. I know that God exists; there is no way that life could be without God. With God all things are possible (Matthew 19:26). The God-given ability to create life is absolutely beautiful and is the most exalted power God has given his children.

She taught me to trust in the Lord. His plan and His timing are far more wise and better than my own. The Lord was helping me to understand the Savior. At first I thought that it being Christmas only a few days later was so unfair. But then I really started to understand the atonement better and what Heavenly Father may have felt to allow His Only Begotten Son to die to atone for our sins. And I knew I was not alone.

She taught me to have faith. The world and technology and research throw so much at you. You can eat this, not that, do this not that, blah blah blah. While I certainly tried my best to be healthy and active for her, I grew to have faith that I was simply doing my best. Who really knows how to BE pregnant. Everyone is so unique and every situation different, you just do your best to be healthy and trust in the Lord.

I have felt like I have needed to write this, because I am a full believer that God does not just give us the experiences we face in this life for ourselves. We too may grow and learn, but through them someone somewhere can be helped or blessed. We need but write them down and share.

This is my journey. I have had confirmation that I will be able to see and raise my baby girl in the next life. This is not the end. I have a baby waiting for me that is not lost. The worth of souls is great in the sight of God (D&C 18:10).

I may not be an artist, but it was the best way to describe the comfort I have felt over the loss of my baby.

I have also learned 5 very important concepts about miscarriage. I hope that someday somewhere I can give encouragement and strength to those who may be mourning the loss of a little one.

•  This was not my fault. With the complexity of life itself, there are bound to be problems every now and then. Isn't it a blessing that our bodies are designed to recognize this? Some studies show 25% of women have miscarriages and others show 40%. That is very common. Because of this I know that I am not alone. I hope I can in return, help others who may have experienced something similar.
•  Don’t be afraid to share. It helps to talk about it. If I had kept in my heartache and sorrow I don’t even know how I could have coped. Friends and family have been the greatest support. Others who have had similar experiences and sharing them with me have also been so encouraging and strengthening.
•  Take care of myself and my husband. It is amazing how good one feels after a nice warm shower, exercising, eating healthy, and  just doing my hair and make-up. It ultimately just makes me feel more positive and hopeful. It was also important for me to not forget about my husband. I expected him to mourn the same way that I did. He didn't fully understand everything that I felt and went through, but I know he tried to. Knowing that is enough. He still needs to feel loved and wanted even through my grief. Do not shut him out and do not forget that he is in this too.
• Don’t give up hope. Say it again and again. Do NOT give up hope. DO NOT give up hope.
• Trust in Lord, his plan for me, and his timing. He ultimately knows exactly what I need to better myself.  Am I okay now? The honest answer is yes. I have peace and comfort that this is where I am supposed to be for whatever reason. Do I still feel sad a times? Again, yes. But I know there is something else in store for me, something that I cannot yet see but in time I will understand more of His plan.

Though I know this baby was only in my womb for a very short time. I will never forget this first little one that Heavenly Father blessed us with and I look forward to meeting her someday. This child I never knew made me a mother. Many of us have little ones waiting for us on the other side as well. If you are mourning the loss of a baby from miscarriage or stillbirth, I pray that you will feel God’s love and peace and comfort that I know He can give, because I have felt it too. 

beautiful

Squinty eyes! It is SO bright when the sun reflects off the snow!

    The lake behind my parents' house never ceases to amaze me.. There is ALWAYS something to do or explore and I have to say that it is one of my favorite places to go to when I'm at my parents' house (side note-switching to calling the house I grew up in "my parents' house" has been really difficult for me. I love where I am from and so to not simply call it "my house" has actually been a tough change!).
   In the spring it is so nice to go down by the lake and watch the snow melt and trickle from all different areas into the lake. The water is usually at its highest point and it is absolutely stunning! It is very peaceful because there are no boaters or other people to interrupt the peace and beauty. In the summer there is kayaking, boating, spear fishing and swimming as well as sleeping out on the beach. It is equally as beautifully as spring since everything is so green. In the fall (which is always my favorite) the colors of the trees are reflected in the ripples of the last boaters of the season and the water begins to recede, exposing more beach as the water is released from the dam. It is fun to explore all the meadows and land that the water hides as well as play mud football or have camp fires on the beach. Winter brings her own kind of beauty to the lake. The water freezes to ice and on a clear crisp morning it is just breath taking.

View outside my bedroom window!

    We love to go sledding on the beach hills and sometimes snow mobile out on the lake, but my absolute favorite is when the ice is thick enough to walk out on. Every year God blesses us with new beauty on the ice. Two years ago we had a really neat experience walking on the ice HERE where it was cold enough for the water to freeze but we didn't have any snow so it left the ice clear so we could see beneath the water. This year it was these tiny crystal snow flowers that turned to powder to the touch. We had never seen these before.

It was fun to skate through the snow flowers because they would just puff up like powdered sugar!

I am so grateful that I get to experience such beauty in my own backyard!

Doing the Disney Thing!

     For Christmas this year Brian's parents gave us tickets to DISNEYLAND! We took off on New Year's Eve for the wonderful drive there (which we spent sleeping and watching movies and trying to play board games in the car). New Year's Day we went to Newport beach and rode bikes along the coast as well as sat and enjoyed the beautiful sunset!

     The next day was California Adventure. I love the new Cars Land! It really feels like you are apart of the movie and the rides are just so much fun! When Disney does something.. they do it well!

These two may or may not be newly-weds :)

    January 3 was a day spent in Disneyland. It was the most packed I have ever seen it but that didn't stop us from having fun! :)

Tanner braved the front so we could all duck behind him :)

Sleeping Beauty's castle is so pretty in the wintertime with all the snow and lights!

     Two years ago we went to Disneyland two days before Christmas and it was fun to experience it on New Years! Thanks to Craig, Laurie, Mandy and Tanner for making this such a fun trip! The next day it was off to the airport to fly from 80 degree weather of LA into -20 degree weather of Chicago!

Ward Christmas Party: Wise Men Still Seek Him

   
   About 4 weeks ago I was asked along with my two counselors to be in charge of our ward Christmas party. With not much time to plan, weekly Young Women activities and lessons to plan, as well as regular work for the 3 of us.. we quickly set to work in planning.

There is just something about lights, candles, and the colors of gold and silver. It felt like we were really under the bright star that lead the Wise men to Jesus.

    The theme we chose was "Wise Men Still Seek Him" and we had the decorations be all about lights, gold, and stars. It turned out so beautiful that all the other wards asked if we would leave it up for their ward parties.

   We had a choir from a local high school sing for 20 minutes, then the primary did a still nativity and then Santa came! It was a very magical night!



   Here is a short video of the message of wise men seeking Christ today and not just in biblical times. It's very touching!

12 Days of Christmas

Wednesday I was kind of feeling a bit down.

Our good friends Brooke and Matt McCabe were moving and I was spending the time at work, wallowing in sadness which then turned to selfishness and I thought about when Brian and I move away from this area in the near future.. and I thought "We haven't even made a difference to anyone out here, I doubt anyone would miss us" and then I sat wallowing now on this thought for the rest of the day. I pretty much threw myself a pity party for a good hour before I finally bucked up and got on with the day.

Low and behold, the Lord decided to help me feel a bit loved later when 12 mysterious packages appeared for "Anna and Brian Larson" with no note or anything of who it was from, just a paper saying "Open only one present a day." As I gazed at the packages all brightly colored, I couldn't help but feel a bit emotional. Here I was being so selfish this time of year by throwing my own private pity party earlier that day over "not feeling loved" and later I find this from some precious angels out there. It was a tender mercy to me telling me that I wasn't forgotten.. and also telling me to stop being selfish and get out and serve others as someone is clearly doing for me.

Here they are.. Whoever is doing this is very very clever! I have to admit that our two favorites are the Pairs in Pears game (kinda like Bananagrams) and the bird calls which we have already been outside trying!

    As fun as these presents are.. the real treat behind receiving them is the gift that they are bringing to us each night as we open them, the gift of love.

"At this time of Christmas, this season when gifts are given, let us not forget that God gave His Son, and His Son gave His life, that each of us might have the gift of eternal life" -Gordon B. Hinckley, 

Be Thankful!

     It certainly has been a season to be thankful! We headed up to Milwaukee on Thanksgiving Eve to spend the night with Mike and Robyn and the kiddos. After games and lots of pie we went to sleep quite stuffed and satisfied. The next day Brian and Mike went and played football in the Turkey Bowl while I made cardboard box houses with the kids. I just adore these kids, I hope that we can raise a good group of kids someday like these little ones.

Goofy faces! haha

     After a delicious dinner and more games we took off for home to play even more games with our friends Natalia and Bryce Rich. They recently moved into our ward and are the only other students that are childless like us so we end up hanging out with these cool cats a lot!

Ugliest face photo... and the boys just smile?!

We are Thankful for....

1. Each other.. We find out more and more every day just how much we love marriage and love each other through the ups and the downs in life.
2. Our Parents.. I can't believe how much they did for us growing up and how much they still do to this day. We are forever blessed because of these wonderful people.
3. Our Siblings and Relatives.. We are surrounded by love and wonderful people who bless our lives just by living and breathing. I love family!
4. Our Friends.. Without good friends out here and in all the places we've been, I honestly don't know how we'd survive. Friends are the best family away from family.
5. Jesus Christ.. All this happiness is made possible through God's Plan of Happiness and Jesus Christ's atonement. 
6. Good Health.. What could we accomplish without this? We've been very blessed.
7. School.. Though it is tough, boring, crazy, and exciting all at the same time, we are very grateful for education and allowing us a bright future with a lot of hard work!
8. Books.. What would I do with myself if I couldn't get lost in a different world and adventure every now and then?
9. Technology.. This seriously makes impossibly things a bit more possible.. like talking to our family in Utah or to each other when I'm at work and Brian's at school.
10. Laughter.. It's what gets us through all life challenges and happiness. Laughter serenades joy into our lives.

Happy Thanksgiving! There is SO much to be thankful for!

My Grandpa Johansen

I’ve never quite understood the term “my heart is full” until recently. On Tuesday November 12, 2013, my sweet grandfather of 80 years passed on into the next life. The thought of him being gone aches my heart but I know that because of the Atonement of Jesus Christ that I will see him again.

When my brother James who is serving an LDS mission in Seattle Washington heard the news he wrote my grandma and mom the most special letter about his testimony. I want to share a part of his letter that touched me.

“I am so grateful i got that email from Grandpa last week!! That will forever be very special to me. I'm sure as you read in the email that he told me about a dream that he had had about him being young again and back on a mission. And that he and Grandma had started reading "Preach My Gospel" again. I think that Grandpa has been called on a mission again. And I am 100% sure he is going to come and help Me, Jason and Nate out on our missions! I know he'll be there for you too. I know it!! I love you Mom!!! You will see Grandpa again.

Alma 40:12 "And then shall it come to pass, that the spirits of those who are righteous are received into a state of happiness, which is called paradise, a state of rest, a state of peace, where they shall rest from all their troubles and from all care, and sorrow."

-Elder James Kendell”

 
I think James said it much better than I ever could have. I think Grandpa is off serving another mission and this time he is with serving with my cousin Jared who passed away almost 2 years ago this month.

Below are my memories of my wonderful grandpa.

Grandpa took the time for me, though I am one of 21 grandchildren, I always felt special around him. Growing up, Grandpa and Grandma would let me have "sleepovers" at their house when they weren't off traveling. Grandpa would tell me stories of his childhood as we watched some sporting event and I recall being very fascinated that all that happened to HIM. I remember thinking that there was no way all those stories could happen to one person, but I'd listen intently as I could for a young girl. I wish I would have written all those stories down.

Grandpa was quite the athlete growing up, when he wasn’t playing them he would watch them. He loved watching his sports on TV. Grandma would come downstairs and tell him to turn down the volume because he'd have it up so loud that his own comments that he would make about the game were heard upstairs. When she would come down and tell him to turn down the volume, he would politely turn it down. As soon as she would leave, he'd grab the remote, sometimes even wink at me, and turn it right back up again.

Grandpa loved to talk the grandkids to the Weber State Basketball games, and I loved going with him. I remember one time when the Weber Wildcat mascot was walking down aisles greeting people, I was so excited to meet him as he approached my seat. Well, he passed right over me and I was devastated, my whole 5 year old life felt over. I started to cry. Want to know what cute Grandpa did? He went right up to the Mascot and pointed at me and made sure the Wildcat came over and gave me a hug. He always was looking out for me.

Grandpa loved to take us on adventures. Sometimes our “adventures” just consisted of trips to Beus duck pond or the gas station for a treat, other times they were on little mini trips. We went to Mount Timpanogos Cave, Brigham Canyon Mine, and lots of different hikes. One time I choked in a cafe we were eating at and Grandpa had to do the Heimlich on me. I remember being so scared (though it was just ice that was stuck so it eventually would have melted) but then not being scared as Grandpa told me in my ear, "I'm here, it's okay"

I remember before the road was built by the water towers in South Ogden, we would go on hikes to the little gas station where he would let us pick out a treat. I always got the Necco treats because they were his favorite and we would share them together (even though I thought they tasted like chalk).

Grandpa also loved the frosting covered animal crackers and I’ve always loved buying them for him though Grandma would have to limit his intake due to his diabetes. On our “great adventures with the grandkids” we would usually start out by buying a bag for the road.

Sitting with Grandpa and Grandma in the swing out front was part of our regular “visiting” routine. I love that swing.

Grandpa loved his hot tub. I remember when they got the hot tub and he was like a child at Christmas as he showed us all the things it could do. The best was to sit outside as it was lightly snowing in the hot tub with Grandpa as he told stories of their many travels. It only makes sense that he would have gone in his hot tub.

Grandpa served a mission in South Africa and when I got married, Brian and Grandpa would often talk about their missions together. Grandpa said when I got engaged and I told him Brian served in South Africa, "Well then, he's the one!"

Grandpa was so stubborn and that often got him into trouble---like the time we were in Spain and he drove on the wrong side of the freeway. Or when he insisted he bought the right dish washing detergent and it ended up being laundry soap and our dish washer exploded with bubbles.

Grandpa loved church history. He was quick to acknowledge God in all the creations around us. He was a constant reader (and published author) which I'm pretty sure I inherited that love from him.

Grandpa was and is a missionary through and through. He was always bearing his testimony to others and handed out Book of Mormon after Book of Mormon. I want to be a missionary like my grandpa has been his entire life.

He wasn't as in to card games as Grandma because he always wanted to win and knew he couldn't quite beat Grandma. Grandma loved to tease Grandpa. Her humor always made me laugh, but the best past is that Grandpa never said a word in protest.

Grandpa's breathy laugh is something I hope never to forget. He would laugh through his smile. Whenever I have read in books "the smile reached all the way to the eyes" I just imagine my Grandpa because his smile truly always touched his eyes.

Grandpa loved his family. More than anything else. Family reunions usually brought tears to his eyes, "We are grateful for all those who are here, except those that aren't" were the lines he would ALWAYS say at family gatherings. How hard it will be to no longer hear those lines come out of his mouth as he will no longer be with us in body. I am grateful he lives on in spirit.

Grandpa always included the gospel in family discussions, he would invite the family to share their testimony and thoughts on different subjects and this always touched my heart. He was never slow to share his testimony and let us know what he believed. I have never doubted that he knew who his Savior was.

He loved sugar... I get my sweet tooth from this man if from anyone. This love wasn’t helped by the fact that he had diabetes that made his feet completely numb. He would walk really slow because he couldn't quite feel if his foot was touching solid ground. I never once... ever heard him complain. Even when he had to ride in a wheel chair at Disneyland, he didn't utter a single complaint, though I know it hurt his pride. He was so independent and self-reliant.

Even with his severe diabetes, he loved to travel.  
I remember wanting to go to grandma's house and instead would usually hear the familiar "they are traveling and aren't home right now" I was disappointed, but I know that someday that will be me. Traveling like he has done with my grandma. They have a huge map of all the countries they have been to as well as their next planned trip and dream vacations. In fact he and Grandma were supposed to be leaving on a cruise the weekend after he passed away.

At Christmas time we always knew which house was Grandma and Grandpa's. Grandpa made sure to put their big lighted star on top of their roof every year. It was my favorite---driving up to Grandma's and seeing that star on the roof. Grandpa said that it would help us find his house like it helped the wise-men find Jesus.

 
 I loved hearing Grandpa talk about what it was like to fall in love with Grandma. They were high school sweethearts. I have never doubted his love and admiration for her EVER.

Even with the sure knowledge that I have of the Plan of Salvation and the promise of families being together forever does not fully take away the loss that I have felt. It’s hard not to long for his smile and the presence of him. With my entire family here, I just expect to see Grandpa hobbling through with his cane and breathy smile. But I know that where he is at is all part of God’s eternal plan of Happiness.

Grandpa was truly a man who lived and loved life and everything about it. He was a missionary throughout his entire life, and he continues to serve and teach the gospel in the life hereafter, I am sure of it.

I can truly say that with all the love and support that my family and adorable grandma have been given, my heart is truly full. I love you Grandpa! I miss you already! God be with you ‘til we meet again!