Monday, January 27, 2014

The Child I Never Knew

My baby left me at 7 weeks.

I have had a few people tell me, “Lucky you weren't that far along yet so you weren't that attached.” Comments like that have felt like a slap in the face. Why wouldn't I have already been attached?

I knew the day after that I was pregnant. I could feel a change in my body and it was such a strange sensation I just knew I had to be pregnant. I waited 2 weeks and took a pregnancy test and had a big bold double line confirming what I had already felt.

Telling Brian was unreal. At first he didn't believe me, but who could blame him when I had tricked him in the past? After that it was kind of a blur of emotions; the excitement, the nervousness, anxiety and thought that kept running through our heads “We. Are. Parents!” As the days went on, the feeling that surfaced the most was love. I loved this little person within me. I felt so blessed that I was going to be a mommy.

Joy is the best way to describe it. We started calculating doctor appointments and when we would find out the gender and of course the due date. I was due in August. In fact, I was due on Brian’s birthday August 16, 2014.


I thought of my baby every second. What would she look like, who would she look like? What would we name her? What would she accomplish in her life?

Yes.. I call her a she. I had a very vivid and real dream that this baby would be a little girl. Whether that is true or not we won’t know in this life, but it has helped me in this whole process to call my baby a she.

Keeping a secret when one is bursting with joy is so hard. But we did because we knew I wasn't that far along and we knew the possible risks and so our lips remained shut.

We were heading to Utah to visit family for the holidays and I can’t even tell you how many times I found myself talking to my reflection saying, “Now Anna, This needs to remain a secret.”

The day came to fly to Utah. Our flight was delayed. We missed our connection. I was having cramps. Told there were no more flight for 2 more days. Said a prayer. Still having cramps. We decided to drive. We decided not to drive. Cramps closer together. We got stuck at the airport for almost 24 hours. Said another prayer. Cramps. We found a cancelled flight. About to board the cancelled flight when:

Cramps. I was doubled over with pain from cramps that were coming on so quickly I didn't have time for breath. I feared what was happening. I wanted to just get home to Utah. I just wanted to leave the airport.

On the plane. Not seated by Brian. Cramping. All alone. In the middle of a man and woman I didn't know. All alone. Cramps. Sweating. Withering. Can’t. Hold. Still. All. Alone.

Finally off the plane. In the car. Straight to a Christmas party. In the bathroom. There is the baby. Tears. Tears. Tears. Tears...

Then came all the emotions. Fear. Sadness. Bitterness. Fear. Self-Blame. Worry. Fear. Heartache. Are just some of the few raw emotions that immediately hit. Even though I had a firm testimony and confirmation of the truthfulness of the Gospel, it didn't stop those first few moments of pure heart wrenching sadness. I couldn't understand how someone so tiny and that had been with me for such a short time, could leave such a hole in my heart.

About as soon as all these feelings started, I was overcome with a sense of calmness. I don’t know how to explain it, I still felt sad, I still was crying, but I was calm. Calm because I knew that everything was going to be okay even if at that moment my world and plans were crashing down. I was in fact, NOT alone. Nor had I been on the plane during the most pain I can remember feeling. I repeated it to myself in the mirror as I left the bathroom. I am NOT alone.

Tender mercies are always present if we but look for them. My first was the fact that I was (almost) in Utah where the doctor I have gone to for the past 3 years is. The second was that I was again (almost) in Utah where my family is. What would I have done if I had been back in Chicago? Would I have even shared this with them? How would I have dealt with this differently?

Not a day goes by where I don’t think of the little one I lost. Of all the potential that she had to offer. And then I find myself correcting what I just thought. HAS to offer. Not had. My baby still HAS potential to offer. Maybe the physical qualities she has to offer are limited in this life, but her spiritual qualities live on.

She showed me the miracle of life. Life is so complex and such a miracle. I know that God exists; there is no way that life could be without God. With God all things are possible (Matthew 19:26). The God-given ability to create life is absolutely beautiful and is the most exalted power God has given his children.

She taught me to trust in the Lord. His plan and His timing are far more wise and better than my own. The Lord was helping me to understand the Savior. At first I thought that it being Christmas only a few days later was so unfair. But then I really started to understand the atonement better and what Heavenly Father may have felt to allow His Only Begotten Son to die to atone for our sins. And I knew I was not alone.

She taught me to have faith. The world and technology and research throw so much at you. You can eat this, not that, do this not that, blah blah blah. While I certainly tried my best to be healthy and active for her, I grew to have faith that I was simply doing my best. Who really knows how to BE pregnant. Everyone is so unique and every situation different, you just do your best to be healthy and trust in the Lord.

I have felt like I have needed to write this, because I am a full believer that God does not just give us the experiences we face in this life for ourselves. We too may grow and learn, but through them someone somewhere can be helped or blessed. We need but write them down and share.

This is my journey. I have had confirmation that I will be able to see and raise my baby girl in the next life. This is not the end. I have a baby waiting for me that is not lost. The worth of souls is great in the sight of God (D&C 18:10).
I may not be an artist, but it was the best way to describe the comfort I have felt over the loss of my baby.
I have also learned 5 very important concepts about miscarriage. I hope that someday somewhere I can give encouragement and strength to those who may be mourning the loss of a little one.
  •  This was not my fault. With the complexity of life itself, there are bound to be problems every now and then. Isn't it a blessing that our bodies are designed to recognize this? Some studies show 25% of women have miscarriages and others show 40%. That is very common. Because of this I know that I am not alone. I hope I can in return, help others who may have experienced something similar.
  •  Don’t be afraid to share. It helps to talk about it. If I had kept in my heartache and sorrow I don’t even know how I could have coped. Friends and family have been the greatest support. Others who have had similar experiences and sharing them with me have also been so encouraging and strengthening.
  •  Take care of myself and my husband. It is amazing how good one feels after a nice warm shower, exercising, eating healthy, and  just doing my hair and make-up. It ultimately just makes me feel more positive and hopeful. It was also important for me to not forget about my husband. I expected him to mourn the same way that I did. He didn't fully understand everything that I felt and went through, but I know he tried to. Knowing that is enough. He still needs to feel loved and wanted even through my grief. Do not shut him out and do not forget that he is in this too.
  • Don’t give up hope. Say it again and again. Do NOT give up hope. DO NOT give up hope.
  • Trust in Lord, his plan for me, and his timing. He ultimately knows exactly what I need to better myself.  Am I okay now? The honest answer is yes. I have peace and comfort that this is where I am supposed to be for whatever reason. Do I still feel sad a times? Again, yes. But I know there is something else in store for me, something that I cannot yet see but in time I will understand more of His plan.
Though I know this baby was only in my womb for a very short time. I will never forget this first little one that Heavenly Father blessed us with and I look forward to meeting her someday. This child I never knew made me a mother. Many of us have little ones waiting for us on the other side as well. If you are mourning the loss of a baby from miscarriage or stillbirth, I pray that you will feel God’s love and peace and comfort that I know He can give, because I have felt it too. 

21 comments:

  1. Beautifully said, so sorry this happened but you sure are amazing and I'm glad you shared!
    Love you guys!

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    1. Thank you :) It certainly explains why I was a bit "emotional" the night of the Kendell party since it happened there.. But love having family like you guys who love me no matter what! Thank you!!! Xoxo!

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  2. I'm so sorry this happened Anna. God loves you. You have a beautiful family that loves you. You will see your little love again.

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    1. Thank you Dani :) It is so nice to feel love and support from others. I know I WILL see her some day, I have no doubt. I do hope that this experience will help me to reach out and put my arms around others who may need love and comfort. Xoxo girl!

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  3. I'm so sorry, Anna. My prayers and with you and your family!

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    1. Thank you Kate! Miss you sweet girl and I love you!! I hope you are doing well. Thank you for your love and support. :) Xoxo!

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  4. I am not sure if you know who I am, but I was in your single's ward at USU waaaay back. I am SO sorry for your loss. I recently lost my first babies (twins) at twenty weeks as well. They were due April 4th, we found out the genders and that I was in labor on the same day. I know the pain you feel when people say "at least you weren't attached." They don't realize that not getting to know what your child would grow up and be like is extremely painful! There is a book called "Gone Too Soon" written by an LDS author about miscarriage and stillbirth that helped me cope with my loss, maybe it could help you too! So sorry you have to go through this and I will keep you in my prayers!

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    1. Thank you Amanda.. and yes, I do know who you are.. and I also know your story as I have read your blog and have prayed for you over your loss. The beauty and comfort we receive through all this is that we will be able raise our little ones some day, Joshua and Adelaide are waiting for you and I know that my little girl is as well. What a blessing and miracle it is. It doesn't make it any easier, but it does make it more bearable. You have been and still are in my prayers! xoxo!!!

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  5. You have no clue who I am. Thank you for sharing your story. It is unfortunately my story several times over. My miracle 2 year old was my 5th pregnancy. My miracle to be born in April was my 10th pregnancy. All of mine were early, but they were all real. They were wanted. They were my babies. No one can tell me differently, even if they were early losses. My prayers are with you and your husband.

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    1. Thank you for sharing your story with me Rachel. How extremely difficult but at the same time what a miracle that life is. Congrats on this new little miracle and I do wish you the best. I do have a firm testimony that you will have the opportunity to raise those other sweet spirits some day as I know I will have the opportunity to raise my little girl. Thank you for sharing with me, it means so much that we as women can come together and share our experience and bond and help lift each other up. I pray your pregnancy will go well and that you will find comfort from the losses of your other sweet spirits! Xoxo!

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  6. You don't know me either. I'm a friend of Rachel's. Anyway, my first baby was stillborn at 38 weeks. I only tell you this because I got the SAME sentiment. I was told "At least she didn't die when she was one or two and you really knew her." I've come to realize there's no "better" time to have your baby die. It always hurts. It's always your future ripped from your hands, no matter when it happens. On my snarky days I wish I could have thought to tell them at the time "Well, I feel sorry for your kids if it took you a couple years to really love them." But that wouldn't really help matters either.

    So I'd like to share my favorite quote.
    "First, please know that grief is the natural by-product of love. One cannot selflessly love another person and not grieve at his suffering or eventual death. The only way to avoid the grief would be to not experience the love; and it is love that gives life its richness and meaning. Hence, what a grieving parent can expect to receive from the Lord in response to earnest supplication may not necessarily be an elimination of grief so much as a sweet reassurance that, whatever his or her circumstances, one’s child is in the tender care of a loving Heavenly Father."
    ~Lance B. Wickman

    Lots of love coming your way! ((hugs))

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    1. Thank you, Thank you SO much. What a beautiful beautiful quote. It is so well put and really just helped say exactly what I was feeling. Thank you, I really appreciate you taking the time to share it with me. The calm peace I have felt through this experience has been very comforting, but also having the beautiful words and testimonies from others is so inspiring and uplifting. Thank you so much. I hope that I can do the same for others as you have done for me. Thank you again!

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  7. Hey Brian and Anna,
    We miss you guys so much in the ward. I'm so sorry. Having gone through several miscarriages myself I know it can be painful physically and emotionally. When we had our miscarriages I felt that it was my fault and was inconsolable. I hated the term miscarriage, and hated that people would say, "How terrible. I have __(insert high number)______ kids and have never gone through that!" Just after my second miscarriage (and before having Josie) I had a terrible nightmare and woke up crying. I felt as if there were people in my life that were missing. My husband woke up and tried to console me. The thing that finally helped me be ok was that he told me that our Savior will make up for all the unfairness in life. That's part of the wonder and beauty of having a Savior. I knew then that if I was meant to raise that child, I would. And if it wasn't yet a child, or a soul I should say (which was another of my fears) that it would all be okay. I'm so grateful for his testimony of the Savior and I'm so grateful for yours too. Thank you for your sweet testimony that you have shared with us. You ARE a mother. Now and forever and no one can take that from you. Not even a miscarriage. Hugs your way.

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    1. Thank you so much Cindy, you and Ben always have been such a wonderful example to us. We miss you guys like crazy, but we do love the updates of your sweet family on facebook. Thank you for sharing with my your thoughts and testimony. I really really am strengthened when I read the testimony of others especially over this experience. I feel so strongly that we (meaning you too) will be able to raise those spirits someday and that this really does not end here. Thank you again and again. I really hope you are doing well. Lots of love to you! Xoxo!

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  8. Dear Anna and Brian, I am so sorry for your loss. Though we only met briefly I know you both are and will be great parents. My heart goes out to you both. Hugs! Cyndi and Dennis

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    1. We may have only known briefly, but I am so grateful for the night we happened to be late for dinner on our cruise so we could meet the two of you! Thank you for your words and for your hugs :) Trust me, they are felt! I hope the best for you two and hope you are enjoying life! Miss you both!!! Xoxo

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  9. Anna,

    You don't know who I am, I stumbled upon your blog from a friend of a friend of a friend...you know how it goes, right?! I am just heartbroken for you. You never realize how much a pregnancy/child changes you, regardless of how short it may last. We wrestled with infertility for years before becoming pregnant. It only took minutes from finding out I was pregnant to dreaming of and planning for our entire future. My first pregnancy was ectopic (the baby develops in the fallopian tube) and my second pregnancy was a "blighted ovum"...both of which never develop enough to sustain a heart beat. I was 12 weeks with the first and 7 weeks with my 2nd. I have been told that there wasn't actually a baby to lose, at least you weren't further along, at least it wasn't worse. I had to undergo weeks of treatment and surgery to resolve both pregnancies to prevent "life threatening conditions". I am a nurse and realize medical treatments are necessary at times, although I never felt at risk. Just like you, I felt calm and at peace. I was heartbroken but I knew that Heavenly Father was helping me all along my way.

    Regardless of what people think or tell me, I know that I have two perfect babies in heaven waiting for me. Even though my babies were not compatible with life on earth, they were organized cells, they had a plan, and they have a future. That in itself is a miracle from our Father in heaven. I know that they are watching over their little sister, who is now 13 months old, and making sure she made it to us safely. I know that Heavenly Father has a plan for us, all of us. I know that through faith and prayers he will guide us in our healing process and bring us comfort. It has been 3 years since our first loss but I still think about them everyday. I will forever be grateful for the opportunity I had to be their mom even for just a few short weeks.

    Keep faith, take care of yourself and show your husband love and concern. You have the world at your doorstep and I know many great things are headed your way.

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    1. What a beautiful testimony! Thank you SO much for sharing with me. It really is such a comfort to hear how others have faced experiences like this and how they've overcome them. It truly blesses me and I only hope to do the same for others. I feel society makes this topic "taboo" and I don't want others feeling like they are alone and have no where to turn. That is one of the reasons I felt so strongly about sharing this experience, so others can feel where I have drawn strength from as well as understanding they are not alone. Thank you, thank you for sharing! I have been very touched and enlightened. We do have little ones waiting for us, and what a blessing that is to know! Thanks again :) :)

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  10. A babyloss mom shared your post in an online LDS angel mommy support group (https://www.facebook.com/groups/522927681053474/ if you're interested) and I appreciate your thoughts! I really love your thought on writing down and sharing experiences, and reasons why we're given these trials. It perfectly explains why I blog, so thank you. Everyone above has had some great things to say, so I won't share my own experience with loss, but I really appreciate the way you share your experience. Thanks for your bravery.

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  11. Anna! I love you. I'm so sorry for your loss. Let me know if I can do anything for you!

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  12. Just stumbled across your blog, my heart just broke for you and your precious angel. She has one incredible mamma. Your perspective is incredible. Thank you for your powerful testimony and for sharing something so tender.

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